What Do Most Widows Do with Their Wedding Rings?

Deciding what to do with your wedding ring as a widow is a deeply personal and emotional decision.

Many of us grapple with questions like, when is the right time to take it off or is it okay if I wear my wedding ring forever?

In this podcast episode, we open up about our own experiences and emphasize that there is no right or wrong answer when it comes to dealing with your wedding ring as a widow. Every widow has a unique approach based on her individual circumstances.

Some widows may choose to wear their rings as a symbol of their everlasting love and commitment, while others may feel that removing the ring represents their new identity and journey forward. And some widows wear their wedding ring and then take it off at different intervals.

It’s important to honor your feelings and try not be influenced by societal expectations or judgments. Easier said than done, we know!

Join us as we explore “all the questions” like:

• What’s “normal” in wearing or not wearing your ring?
• What if I want to date?
• How long “should” I wear my ring?
• And a lot more!

Listen to the Full Episode

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Episode Transcript

Melissa: On today’s show, we’re going to talk all about wedding rings because we get asked about that topic a lot. What to do with your wedding ring? When should I take it off? Should I take it off? What do I do if I start dating? There are all kinds of questions around this, so we thought we’d cover this topic today.

Jen, I know you’re remarried. Can you tell us a little bit about your wedding ring? What’s that like for you? Where is it right now?

Wedding Rings: A Widow’s Account of Loss, Identity and Finding Control

Jen: This is such a juicy topic, right? I mean, we get asked this question so many times because there’s so many emotions involved in it, right? It’s just a ring, but it means so much. It’s your marriage. So for me, I still have my ring. But for me, my journey through that was a little bit different.

I took my ring off right away. I think probably within the first couple of weeks because I was like, this is part of my identity, right? And it’s not who I am anymore. I guess I was trying to just rationalize everything that was happening and find my place. Who am I, right? So I took the ring off.

A couple of weeks later, I put it back on. And this happens a lot. I mean, we go back and forth, right? Like, it’s these highs and lows and mixed feelings. You don’t know what’s going to feel, right. It feels so weird when you take it off. And I found myself always doing this. I spin my ring on my hand, and so the fact that it’s not there, that felt off and that felt wrong to me. So then I put it back on and then that doesn’t feel right either. So, there’s no right answer to it. It kind of goes day to day and how you feel.

But a big thing for me was three months after Brent was killed, I decided I was going to take a grief sabbatical. You know take some time away to figure out who I was and to process everything that had happened. I decided to move from the United States to a small island in the Caribbean. And I knew that my time there was going to be spent swimming or on the beach and I never, ever wear my ring to the beach because I don’t like the feeling of the sand. I also don’t want my ring to come off in the pool. I never, ever have worn it in a beach situation.

So when I left , I kept my ring locked up in my house. I didn’t want to bring it with me on that journey. I didn’t want to bring it to the beach. I didn’t want to lose it because that would have been terrible. So, like the three-month mark was when I left it at home. I don’t know, I was trying to move forward without having that reminder and that was helpful for me to not even have it around as an option.

Melissa: Did it give you some anonymity because you’re in a place where nobody probably knows you and they don’t know your status because you don’t have your ring? Is that part of it?

Jen: Yeah. I was stepping into a new situation and a new environment, and nobody knew who I was, and it was a good starting point for this new life. So, yeah, it was not easy.

None of this is easy, and everybody’s situation is different. So that was mine. That was my story.

What about you, Melissa?

The emotional significance of widows removing their wedding rings

Melissa: I don’t wear a ring now, and I’m remarried. I never really liked wearing rings, but I did when Dave and I were married. And when he died, he died so suddenly. I was so shocked. I was in a state of shock. I just kind of stopped eating. Like, I couldn’t even produce saliva to eat. I mean, I think my body was just in such a state of shock, so I just stopped eating and I lost weight really quickly.

And, I remember I don’t even know, it might have been a month or two after Dave died. And I’m getting dressed and I have the ring on and it just kind of slips off my finger and it’s on the floor, and I’m looking at it like, wow, this really means something. Like, it’s like a big zero on the floor. And I picked it up, and I thought about putting it back on, but I didn’t because I was in shock, and I was also angry. I didn’t feel married anymore. I didn’t feel like I had a partner anymore. I was on my own and solo parenting our kids, and I was just like, I am not feeling this. I mean, I could have got it resized and done all that stuff, but I’m like, I just know. And so I put it away.

I still have it. I have his ring and my ring in a little jewelry box in my top dresser drawer.  I used to take it out because it was really pretty, and I would put it on and just kind of look at i. But it just didn’t feel like I still felt connected to him. Like, you Jen I was asking, who am I now? I was trying to figure out. I’m alone now. I’m a solo parent. I’m Melissa. I’m not part of Dave anymore. Who am I? And this ring represented the partnership. And I don’t know, it was really kind of shocking to me to just kind of remember hesitating, like, just seeing that ring on the floor, like, wow, this is a sign, right?

I’ve moved through my emotions of anger and abandonment, of course, and all that. He didn’t choose to die. He just did. But I do remember going out to a restaurant with our group of friends, and I didn’t have my ring on. And I remember one of Dave’s friends looking at my hand, kind of staring at it because I was kind of self-conscious about it and thinking, like, oh, what are people going to think?

Maybe they think I didn’t love him and nobody said anything, but I just remember that friend just kind of staring at it and kind of looking at me and not really judgmental, but just noticing and just not wanting to say anything.

Jen: But you felt that stare.

Melissa: I did. I totally felt it. I felt a little vulnerable and naked, for lack of a better word.

If I could give any advice, because we do get asked this question about timing a lot. It’s really your own timing, and it’s nobody else’s business what you do with your ring. It’s really your gut telling you, either, I want to wear this for the rest of my life, and that’s okay, or I want to wear this for six months or maybe I want to make it into another piece of jewelry or whatever. I’ve toyed with that. But it’s really your own choice, and it’s nobody else’s business, and they shouldn’t be saying anything about what you do with your wedding ring.

Jen: Or switching it to your other hand. A lot of people do that. Like, here’s this step. Let’s switch to this. This is the next step. And then the next step is to just not wear it or turn it into something else. Baby steps.

Melissa: Baby steps. Yeah. Whatever feels good for you.

Melissa: How about you, Kim?

Exploring Options for Repurposing Your Wedding Ring as a Widow

Kim: Well, I stopped wearing my ring pretty quickly. The difference for me was that I knew my husband was going to die. You both had the shocking instant notification. I had twelve months of knowing he was going to die. We just didn’t know when. He had terminal brain cancer, so I knew he was going to die. And I’m a planner, so this whole time I’m planning what I’m going to do with my ring because I know I’m not going to wear it. I’m a very practical, literal person. If I’m not married, I’m not wearing a wedding ring. So I’m thinking to myself, how am I going to do this? And about, I don’t know, six months after he was diagnosed, he decided we needed to go buy an anniversary band for me to wear when he was gone. And I knew in my mind that I probably would not wear that ring after he died. But I did not tell him that.

Melissa: Because it was important to him.

Kim: Right, it was important to him. You do not tell a dying man no. For any reason. So we go buy this kind of expensive ring and the whole time I’m thinking, we shouldn’t do this.

But I never said anything to him. I’m like, we’ll do whatever he wants to do. So we did. We bought the ring. So I’m thinking, what am I going to do with the anniversary band? What am I going to do with my wedding ring?

Shortly after he died, I had my diamond in my wedding band transferred to a necklace. In my mind, I’m saying to myself, that was totally worth it and the right thing to do. Because the necklace was closer to my heart, so his diamond was closer to my heart. That was my rationalization and my own way of handling it. I knew that’s what I was going to do. And I kept the wedding band and just put my birthstone in it. So I still have the band and I can wear the ring. And I’ve got the diamond in the necklace.

So the anniversary band… I didn’t know what to do with it. Because like Melissa said, I don’t feel married. I’m not married. I mean, I know some people think that and they wear their rings forever and ever. And that it’s totally fine, I get it. And they say I’m never taking it off. And I understand that completely. So, as we’ve mentioned multiple times, that is completely up to you to decide what makes you feel the best. I did wear the anniversary band for a little bit, more so out of guilt, I think, because he wanted me to wear it.

And we’ve talked before about thinking we need permission to do things and you don’t need anybody else’s permission to do anything. Even though he thought I would wear it forever and ever, it’s okay that I stopped wearing the anniversary band also.

I did stop wearing it but I still have it. It’s still in my jewelry drawer. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with it. But, I do not wear it all the time. Once in a while, I would slip it on if I needed a little extra support or protection in a specific situation. If I was going somewhere and I thought, I think I’m going to take Mark with me today, or whatever, I would slip it on.

And I did that for several years.

I got remarried too, just last year. But prior to that, occasionally I would put the anniversary band on. And my now husband Tom would say, never in a bad way or anything, but “just curious, how come you’re wearing your anniversary band today?” And I would say, “Because I need a little extra protection today. I need a little extra support today,” for whatever reason.

I haven’t put the anniversary band back on in several years. But we can get ourselves into all kinds of trouble thinking about guilt and what would he do and what should I do? What would he think if I did this? And it’s normal. We’ve all done it, but it’s not necessary. You get to decide what’s best for you all the time, right? You go on living your life. And so if we tried to make every decision based on what our dead spouse would do or think, we’d be carrying guilt around for a really long time. I don’t think it’s necessary or productive. We get to do what we want to do, what makes us feel best.

Jen: Yeah. And I know, too, that some people put a time limit on it, and they decide at three months, I’m going to take it off, or at six months. And that gives you a sense of control.

Kim, we talked about this before. It’s like you feel like your world is just upside down. You have no control over anything that is happening. This is something that you can control.

Kim: Absolutely.

Jen: And so you pick a date and you say, maybe it’s like, on his birthday or on your birthday or whatever date it is in the future. You pick that date and you say, okay, that’s the day that I’m going to move this. Or, that’s the day that I’m going to put this in this beautiful little box that I have designated for this specific thing. And you have that sense of control.

When You Don’t Wear Your Ring Do People Assume You’re Divorced?

Kim: When you have a ring on your finger, then people assume you’re married or partnered, right?

The struggle I had in the beginning was that I did not want people to think that I was divorced. So without a ring, people assume you are not married. And a lot of people assume it’s because you got divorced. In the beginning, I struggled with, how am I going to do this? Because I don’t want people to think that about me. Not that it matters, but whatever. We’re human, right?

Out of the gate, I would tell people I was widowed so that we would bypass that assumption. I would just lead with the fact that I’m a widow. And that solved that problem. Because, if you have kids, people know you’ve probably have been married before, but they think you’re divorced because you’re young. They never assume widowed. People assume you’re divorced and that your marriage crashed and burned. It did not crash and burn. I don’t ever want anyone to think that’s what happened. So that’s the other struggle when you’re not wearing a ring.

When I put the anniversary band on, maybe I went out with my girlfriend, maybe we went to have dinner, maybe we were sitting at the bar having a drink. I would put that ring on because I didn’t want to deal with…well, I’m not saying I get hit on at the bar all the time, so that’s not what I’m saying.

Melissa: Oh, come on, Kim!

Kim: I mean, I really don’t but there was always that protection that I had with the ring. If you take the ring off, you have to deal with that. People probably waffle on a little bit on how to handle that.

Melissa: Yeah, true.

Jen: Another struggle.

Melissa: Well, so let’s throw it out there, because there are widows listening to our podcast, and they have this question in their mind. Well, when should I take it off? What should I do? Can you give me some advice on what I should do?

Kim: Do what feels comfortable to you. We try to control our environment as much as we can because everything is out of control. But we also want other people’s permission. So, I think that question is just asking someone else’s permission to do what you know you want to do.

We don’t need anybody else’s permission. But I say to other widows sometimes if you need me to give you permission, I will. You may take your ring off. But you don’t need anybody else’s permission. I’m just saying that’s what I think we’re asking for. Some validation that our decision is okay. Your decision is okay.

Melissa: Or is it normal? That was a big thing for me.  Are my feelings normal? Or are my actions normal? It’s like, what’s normal for me?

So I think if somebody asked me that or I’ve been asked that, I would just ask them another question, well, what do you think?

Kim: Right!

Melissa: And then have them think about, well, what do I think? Or how do you feel about it?

Jen: How do you feel? That’s what I was about to say. Or how do you even feel today? How’s it feeling today? Today I feel like wearing my ring.

Kim: Because if I wanted to go back and get that ring out of my jewelry box and put it on, I could.

Jen: Yeah. If you feel like that comforts you and that’s going to be that extra support you need for that day, or if you’re doing something challenging, put the ring on. If you feel like you’re kind of in this head space of, I’m not feeling it today, take it off. It’s all about how you’re feeling and trusting how you feel and not worrying about what other people think.

Kim: Not worrying. And the other big thing is, you get to change your mind at any time.

You can change your mind every day. You can waffle back and forth. It doesn’t matter. Nothing is permanent. Your decisions aren’t permanent.

Melissa: This has been a really good discussion, and I’ve actually learned something about my two friends here today.