Books for Widows to Navigate Grief and Heavy Emotions

Books can be a lifeline when you’re stumbling down that bumpy, totally unexpected path of widowhood. It’s like, one minute you’re planning your life with your person, and the next, you’re trying to figure out how to do life without them. But here we are, finding our way, and man, aren’t we grateful when we find those books for widows that light up the dark spots?

We want to share some book recommendations that shine a light on the complexities of grief and the power of literature in healing. These books do more than just kill time. They get us. They offer real support, understanding, and sometimes even a roadmap through the messiest parts of our grief.

Each book we came across was like a little gift, a voice saying, “Hey, I’ve been there too, and here’s what helped me.” These stories mirror our own, or teach us how to breathe through the pain, and even show us how to find little bits of happiness in a world that’s turned upside down.

Whether it’s advice on the nitty-gritty of navigating life solo or some much-needed wisdom on healing our hearts, these books cover all the bases.

Key topics in this episode include:

• How books can provide real, tangible help through the difficult journey of grief and loss
• The value of books offering reflections of your own experiences
• How books validate your feelings and struggles as part of a larger, collective journey of healing

We recommend these books for widows to remind us that healing is on the horizon and that, in this big old world of love and loss, we’re all connected, moving forward together, one page at a time.

Listen to the Full Episode

Links + Resources From This Episode

• Find links to all the books mentioned in this episode below
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Episode Transcript

Kim: Welcome to the widow squad podcast. It’s Kim Murray here with my co-host, Melissa Pierce.

In today’s episode, we’re going to talk about books that every widow should consider reading. These are books that we’ve read or books that have been recommended to us. We’ve found so much value in the various books that we’re going to recommend here throughout our own widowed journey, and we think they might offer you the same kind of support and perspective.

Whether you’re in search of understanding or connection or just need a little break from the world, we’ve got some great suggestions on tap for you here.

Let’s get started and explore these literary companions together.

Melissa let’s start off with you. What is one of the books that you recommend?

I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can

Melissa: Well, the first book that was given to me, after Dave died, was super helpful. My friend’s mom sent it to me in the mail with a lovely little card. It was called I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can by Linda Feinberg.

Kim: I’ve heard of that one.

Melissa: It’s really good. I think it was published maybe 15 years ago. It’s written for young widows and widowers. It just felt like someone was having a conversation with me, and it was a question-and-answer style formatt. I believe she’s a counselor, so she had worked with folks who had lost their spouses.

She just basically shared stories. It was a lot of stories about widowed people and what they’re moving through. I could see myself in other people’s stories. It also had some really great advice, like going back to work, dealing with your employers, your family, in-laws, etc.

Kim: Wow. That sounds like it had a lot of good information in it.

Melissa: Yes, it did. And it was an easy read. It wasn’t a huge book. I thought it was super, super practical and helpful. And for me, that worked because I was in a practical phase. It gave me questions you don’t think you would ever have to ask and, I’m thinking, oh, that’s a good question. I wondered what a practical response might be, and she always included stories from her clients. I liked that because that made sense. Super helpful.

Kim: I can see how real-world experience would be helpful. Was this specifically for widows or grievers  in general?

Melissa: Young widows and widowers.

Kim: Oh, okay.

Melissa: I don’t know if you got books, or pamphlets and things from other people.

Kim: I went out to search for my own books. I had a cart full of books. I still do. Books are my thing. But no. Nobody gave me anything.

Melissa: Other folks were giving me religious pamphlets, and that’s not who I am. I really appreciate people trying to help, but they really didn’t know me or what I needed. But everybody had their hearts in the right place. The book I’m Grieving as Fast as I Can was like my primer. You know, I’m delving into young widowhood, and it was a super, super helpful book.

Kim: Well, even the young widowhood part because we didn’t have many resources for young widows. That it’s geared towards young widows is important because when you can’t find resources you need that affects the way your life is going. I like the fact that it was for young widows and that she had stories of other widows and widowers, so it makes it that much more relatable.

Melissa: Even though it’s an older book and some of the language and stuff didn’t age well, I still think it’s a good book to read, especially in that first phase of widowhood.

Kim: So, the concepts are relevant even though it’s old.

When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

Melissa: Did you have any books early on that really touched you?

Kim: I did. I mean, out of the gate, I was putting things in my Amazon cart, because I just didn’t know which way to go. I didn’t know if I wanted practical steps. I didn’t know if I wanted spiritual books. I just didn’t know what I wanted.

I found this book called When Things Fall Apart, Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron. She’s a Buddhist nun. Speaking of the religious aspect, I’m not a Buddhist. I don’t practice Buddhism, but I still think the concepts are fascinating. If any of these books we’re talking about have a religious aspect, it’s not the focus of the book. So, just keep that in mind when you’re listening and you’re thinking about that.

So, this Buddhist nun is fascinating. The whole concept of this book is to walk towards your pain. I’m reading the outline and the reviews and everything, and I’m thinking, okay, wait a minute. Go towards the pain? I mean, I’m trying to get away from the pain. I’m trying to avoid the pain, and this book is all about walking right towards it. That fascinated me, and I thought, what does this mean? How do you do that?

Now there’s a whole Buddhist philosophy behind that, which, again, I don’t ascribe to. It’s not like I read the book and followed all the concepts. But just the idea that it was okay to feel the pain and to let it be part of you was the biggest takeaway for me. It made me take a hard look at my feelings. She told me that pain is something we can’t avoid. As much as I tried and I thought I would be successful, I wasn’t. I failed miserably. So, I had to feel my feelings. This was such a big eye opener for me because I just didn’t want to do it.

Even though she’s a Buddhist nun, she makes feeling pain very relatable. Her insights and her grace and her openness and just kind of matter-of-factness, is like, “sorry this is the way life is. You’re going to have to deal with it.” That was what was so intriguing to me.

I’m going to read what the back of the book says, so you kind of know what I’m talking about. This is what it says:

There is a fundamental opportunity for happiness right within our reach, yet we usually miss it – ironically, while we are caught up in attempts to escape pain and suffering. Drawn from traditional Buddhist wisdom, Pema’s radical and compassionate advice for what to do when things fall apart in our lives goes against the grain of our usual habits and expectations. There is only one approach to suffering that is of lasting benefit, Pema teaches, and that approach involves moving toward painful situations with friendliness and curiosity, relaxing into the essential groundlessness of our entire situation. In the midst of chaos, we can discover the truth and love that are indestructible. Included in the book are:

• ways to use painful emotions to cultivate wisdom, compassion, and courage
• ways to communicate that lead to openness and true intimacy with others
• practices for reversing our negative habitual patterns
• methods for working with chaotic situations
• ways to cultivate compassionate, energetic social action

Everything I needed to learn, all the things I needed to do, were here in this book. It’s powerful. I have dozens of pages earmarked and highlighted. And I go back to this often. I really do. I go back to it a lot.

It’s just a reminder that it’s okay to be vulnerable, and there’s a lot of power in letting go and trying not to control everything. Which is what I was doing.

Melissa: Don’t you love it when you feel like a book is actually talking to you? You know, that’s like when you earmark things, it’s like, wow, I need to hear this. I need to read this. This is important. I need to take this in. It feels like they’re talking straight to you.

Kim: It does. I don’t know how many times you do this, but I earmark or highlight passages in these pages. And then occasionally, I just pick up the book and open it to a random page. Almost always, that random page that I open has the message I needed to hear for that day. It’s fascinating to me how the universe works.

This book is very simple. It’s how life works. This is how the world works.

There is one quote that I love from the book:

We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart, then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. Healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen. Room for grief, for relief, for misery, and for joy.

Pema Chodron

Melissa: Because that’s life. It comes together. It falls apart. It comes together, and you can just control you and your reaction. You can’t control life and all the chaos of what’s going on.

Kim: Nope. I tried, and I failed. This was my wake-up call to be vulnerable, which I’m still working on.

Melissa: What drew you to this book? Were you like, yeah, I need I need to bone up on my feelings, so I’m gonna get all the feelings books? Or how did this book come across your path?

Kim: Well, I think it came across by divine intervention as most things do because I don’t recall looking specifically for this book, but it showed up in my path. It was what I needed to hear. I was intrigued by the tile when things fall apart because, well, everything fell apart.

And then heart advice for difficult times. Well, these are difficult times.

I thought, well, gosh, maybe there’s a message in there for me. I really don’t remember seeking anything specific. I don’t know how I found her. I don’t know how I found this book. I’ve gotten a couple of her other books too in the meantime.

I think things find you when they’re supposed to find you. Your messages come when you’re ready to receive them.

I was ready at that point.

Melissa: You manifested that work. Often, when I was in my lowest of lows, I would ask the universe, “put a person, a book, an article, a song, anything in my path to help me.”

Maybe you’re just walking by, and you see this title, and you’re like, oh my gosh, that’s me. I need this.

You were aware enough to know what you needed.  

Kim: Yes. You can ask for the messages you need to receive. Maybe it’ll show up in a book, maybe it’ll show up in an article or a song like you said, Melissa, but you can always ask.

So, what are some other books that you’ve read that you want to share?

Widows Wear Stilettos

Melissa: I’m going back to my early days when I was just so hungry for information. I didn’t feel like there was a lot of information out there.

I found another book called Widows Wear Stilettos by Carol Brodie Fleet. I liked the title. And it was a light read. I don’t know about you, but I had a hard time actually reading. I would stare at a page for hours and read it, but I wouldn’t soak any of the information up because my brain was just fried.

So, this was an easy book to read. The author was widowed as a young mom. She was somebody who I felt was in a similar situation to me. She showed me that this is my grief, however I want to experience it, it’s mine and nobody else’s. It was just really eye opening for me that nobody else could dictate how I walked through this or how I raised my kids. It gave me permission to move through this extraordinary experience in my way. And that really allowed me to cut the noise out of other well-meaning folks who were trying to offer advice.

You and I have talked about this before, but I wanted homework. I like to fill things out. In my brain I was like, well, I’m gonna do all the homework, and I’m gonna take the test, write the essay and be done with this.

Kim: You’re gonna pass the test and move on, right?!

Melissa: This book had some journal prompts and things that were thought provoking. It was a really good tool for my healing process.

Kim: Another relatable book. Didn’t you interview the author?

Melissa: Yes. I had a previous podcast called Filled with Gold and I got to interview her, and it was nice to tell her this book really meant something to me and it really helped me.

Kim: That’s amazing.

I’ve Seen the End of You

Kim: I actually don’t have many widow books. I’ll save my favorite widow book for later.

These books I chose are more about spirituality or feelings again or kind of the unanswered questions of life, okay?

The next book that I’m recommending is called I’ve Seen the End of You, by Dr. Lee Warren. And I chose this book because a widow actually recommended it to me. Lee Warren is a brain surgeon who shares his experience dealing with patients diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. So, his patients have glioblastoma, like what my husband Mark had and died from.

This doctor is writing this book about brain cancer, but it’s much more than a book just about glioblastoma or medical diagnoses. In this memoir, he confronts the challenges of maintaining hope and faith in the midst of life’s most difficult challenges.

You’ve got a doctor who’s a scientist and science says this thing happens, and a doctor who says, “I can fix it,” but you’ve also got the other side as well. Life isn’t always fixable

I’m going to read the description from the back of the book and then we’ll talk a little bit more about how he writes the book.

In this gripping inspirational memoir, page turning medical stories serve as the backdrop for a raw, honest look at how we can keep our spiritual footing when everything goes wrong. Dr. W. Lee Warren, a seasoned neurosurgeon, reveals the tension between faith and science and between death and hope as he grapples with how to find the light in the darkest hours of life. I’ve Seen the End of You is the rare book that offers tender empathy and tangible hope for those who are suffering.

He doesn’t just stick to the medical stuff. He digs deep into the emotional and even spiritual side of these battles. It’s about how he and his patients navigate the whole journey, dealing with the big questions about why bad stuff happens, what hope means when the odds are against you and how to keep faith in something bigger when you’re facing the toughest moments.

It’s pretty heavy, but also really insightful, showing the human side of medicine that we don’t always see.

I cried throughout this entire book. I knew the patients were going to die. They had glioblastoma. But it isn’t about the patient’s dying. It’s about how they’re getting through their diagnosis and how this surgeon who cuts tumors out of brains has to grapple with the unanswered questions in his life, too. He experiences his own personal challenges. I won’t tell you what all those are if you want to go read the book, but he suffers his own personal traumas, too. He’s walking the walk, so to speak.

He served in a war, he’s a brain surgeon, he’s had marriages, divorces, all these things going on in his life. We love to have all the answers, but how do you handle it when you think you know how things go, and that’s not how they go?

Anyway, it’s a very insightful read and kind of different take on life because how many books have you read by brain surgeons who cut glioblastoma cancers out of people’s brains?

I had a widow friend whose husband died of glioblastoma also, and she recommended the book to me. I just I cried through the whole thing, but I kept it on my shelf. Sometimes I keep books, Sometimes I don’t. I’ll pass them on to friends or I’ll take them to the Salvation Army. I kept this book on my shelf. I’ve reread it. I will read it again. It’s that good. I highly recommend it.

There are a couple of quotes from the book that I want to share. One of them says:

Life is hard, but we need to be able to survive it with our faith intact, find peace, and experience happiness anyway. To do that, we have to change our thinking about pain and suffering

Dr. Lee Warren

Boom.

That’s the deal. We have these misconceptions about pain and suffering before we actually go through pain and suffering, or at least I had misconceptions about it. What you think you know about painting stuff is not what you know until you go through it. So, in order to find peace or experience happiness, we have to change our thinking about pain and suffering.

Melissa: Wow. It’s like a sciency take and then a feelings perspective. So, you have the two sides of that coin.

Kim: Which he grapples with. He’s a doctor and knows how to fix people, but he can’t fix these people. You can’t fix terminal cancer. There is no cure for glioblastoma as of today, so you can’t fix it. He struggles with that. He struggles with what he thinks he knows about his patients.

This other quote I wanted to share with you says:

One of the secrets to surviving the difficulties of life is to be honest with yourself about their effects on you. Over time, I came to see my patients as travelers on the same path as I was on, following a road in the dark and encountering obstacles and difficulties, but somehow still knowing that the only way out is to keep walking.

Dr. Lee Warren

That’s what we say all the time, right? Just keep moving forward. Everybody It’s fighting battles we know nothing about.

Melissa: Yeah. I love how you put that. I mean, we often forget that because we’re in our own world, and we don’t realize that everybody at the grocery store, everybody on the highway has their own stories and is walking their own path of pain and suffering and trying to understand it and move through it. It’s a nice wake-up call just to be a little more compassionate towards yourself and other people, too.

Kim: Well, for sure, because we’ve talked about the blissfully ignorant souls who haven’t gone through monumental loss yet. And they don’t know how to relate to you. And that’s okay because they don’t know. We can’t expect people to know what it’s like unless they’ve been through pain and suffering.

I’m gonna leave you with one more quote here because I think this one is really, really profound. The author quotes the Greek philosopher Thales, who, when asks what was easy, says “to advise another.” When asks what was difficult, says “to know oneself.”

We want to give everybody our opinions and our advice about things we know nothing about. Or we think we know about it, but we’re not in the same position as the person we’re giving the advice to.

So why don’t we just kind of focus on knowing ourselves a little better instead of trying to advise other people?

Melissa: That’s good. Oh, gosh. That’s good.

A Widow’s Story

Kim: What is another book recommendation, Melissa?

Melissa: I think I was mainly drawn to memoir those first few years. One that had been recently published was by Joyce Carol Oates, who’s a very prolific author.

Her husband died, and she wrote a book called A Widow’s Story. It was a little hard to read because it kind of read like heavy literature sometimes.

But there are some amazing quotes or thoughts or things that she said. I remember thinking that I was a bad person for thinking certain things. And then when I read those same thoughts on her pages, it gave me permission to think or feel that way. One of the passages I love says, “Still I am angry with him. I am very angry with him. With my poor, dead, defenseless husband, I am furious as I was rarely, perhaps never, furious with him in life. How can I forgive you? You ruined both our lives.”

Kim: Yeah. How many of us have felt this way? I’m raising my hand.

Melissa: I was having these feelings. He didn’t mean to leave me and this world and our kids, but I was just so angry. And when I was reading through this, and she’s processing her feelings on the page, I could connect with that and not feel so bad about myself and just realize that this is normal. It’s okay to have my feelings. It’s okay to feel.

I think I was scared of my feelings of anger, sadness, loneliness, all the things. And it just kind of opened me up to thinking that it’s okay. I’m normal.

I can have these feelings. I can work through them. I’m not always gonna feel this way. This will move out of my body, but it will probably come back again. I would find myself very angry sometimes like, wow, ugh. How did this happen? You should be here. You should watch this.

Kim: But you got that permission to feel like you said. So, if somebody says the thing you’re thinking, then it makes you less of a horrible person in your mind. Because you’re like, well, someone else had that thought too, so I must not be so bad. This is why it’s so important to talk about your feelings, because other people, I guarantee you, have felt how you felt about many things.

I remember the day of Mark’s funeral. We had the funeral at the funeral home, and then we had some family and friends come back to my house after. And I don’t know why I decided that was a good idea, but that’s what I did. My parents were divorced and my mom died several years ago before my husband did, but I had her side of the family there andthen some of my dad’s family there, so some people hadn’t seen each other for a while.

Anyway, it was a cluster, okay? It was just a horrible night, and I had a picture of Mark on our refrigerator. And I’m sitting there looking around at all these people thinking, how dare you leave me in this position? I was so angry that night. Like, I’m standing in this room full of people I don’t even want to have in my house, but they’re all here, anyway. And you left me here. So, I was very angry that night, and I remember seeing his picture, his sweet face on the on the refrigerator. I’m like, I want to punch you right now because you left me here. I can’t even believe that you left. I was very angry.

And then I was like, how dare I be mad at him for leaving us!

Melissa: It’s giving ourselves permission to not judge ourselves. I’m not a horrible person. I’m a normal person who has a normal feeling. And, when you read things, or you hear stories of other people who have had the same feelings, you just feel a little sigh of relief. Like, this is normal.

Kim: That’s what’s important about these books. They give you that semblance of normalcy that you know that you’re not alone. And especially if it’s from a widow, not all my books, like I said, are widow books. But if it’s from an actual widow you’re like, I can relate to this. I get what you’re saying.

Wrap Up

Melissa: And just like that, we’re wrapping up today’s episode. But don’t worry, we’ve got more in store. Next week, we’re digging back into our bookshelf. You won’t want to miss it.

If today’s chat struck a chord with you, could you do us a favor? Swing by Apple Podcasts or your favorite listening spot and leave us a review. It’s bigger than just spreading the word. It’s about connecting with another soul who’s navigating their path of loss. Your words might just be the light that they need.

Until next time, remember, you’re not doing this alone. We’re here. We’re ready to share more laughs, tears, and, yes, more books.

Sending you all our love and support.