Coping with Grief: Directing Your Life to Spotlight Joy and Healing

I have an interesting topic to explore with you today; moving grief to a supporting role in your life.

Before we talk about this important concept, though, I just want to share a little backstory to let you know how this idea came to me and what it has to do with widowhood.

I have season tickets to the Fisher theater here in Detroit. It’s our version on Broadway in Michigan and I’ve had these season tickets for over 25 years, so I’ve seen hundreds of shows.

I’m always so impressed by the sheer number of people it takes to pull off one of these productions. It’s amazing. You’ve got the lead actors and actresses, the supporting roles, the ensemble cast, music, lighting, costumes, and on and on.

But the lead actor or actress gets top billing, right? They are the main character in the production, so they get the most stage time. The main character is the one we associate with the most in these productions.

Now the reason I’m talking about stage shows is because I often think of grief as being the main character in the story of your life when you’re a widow. Grief takes over and becomes the star of the show, commanding the spotlight.

It does not want to leave center stage. It’s like that one actor who thinks the whole play is about them.

If you think about your life as a stage show, you’d be the director, right? You’re in charge of how the production, your life production, goes. But when your spouse dies and your life gets upended in ways you never could have imagined, your production gets seized by grief. It’s in every scene, and it even debates with you, the director of your life, about how to run the show.

Yeah, so not cool.

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But you know what? You’re the boss here. You’re the director of your life. You’re the one who calls the shots. So, maybe it’s high time you had a little chat with grief and let it know it’s been hogging the spotlight a bit too much lately.

It’s like, “hey, grief, take it down a notch, will ya? Let’s give joy, hope, and all of our other emotions a little bit of stage time, too.”

Now don’t get me wrong. Grief is part of the cast of characters in your life for a reason. Even though it seems to demand a lot of your attention, it’s only because all grief really wants is acknowledgment and recognition. It has a role to play, and sometimes, it really does steal the show because grief doesn’t like to be ignored.

So, when you start to collaborate with grief instead of clashing and disagreeing all the time, you learn to choreograph its presence in your production, or your life, making sure it plays its part without taking over the whole show.

I’m not trying to downplay the effect of grief or imply that it’s easily dismissed.

Far from it.

What I’m saying is, you’ve got the power to reshape your life’s story as it unfolds.

From Center Stage to Supporting Role: Putting Grief in its Place

In our stage production analogy, a director might tell an actor to dial back an overpowering performance for the sake of the show’s harmony, and you can to this too. You can learn to recognize your grief without letting it overshadow every moment.

Moving grief to a supporting role is kind of like when a director tweaks parts of the production to make sure everything clicks, and the show’s message lands just right. It’s about finding a way to let grief have its moments on stage—you know, like those powerful solos that really connect with the audience – without letting it overwhelm the storyline.

The goal is to craft a life story where happiness, resilience, and new experiences share the spotlight too, contributing to a richer, more nuanced story.

So, as we explore this concept further, think of yourself as the director of your own life. You have the cast, the stage, and the script all at your disposal. How will you choose to direct your show, knowing that grief, while a compelling character, is just one of many in your ensemble?

To start, think about mixing it up. Maybe throw in a plot twist here and there. A surprise cameo by happiness, or a plot enhancement with an exciting new adventure or maybe even a new love. Grief can still have its moments – those deep, gut-punch solos that hit you right in the heart, but it’s all about balance.

Remember, a director’s role is to have a clear vision for the production. It’s about seeing the potential for what your life story could be, even when it’s a little hard to imagine. It’s about believing in the comeback stories, the standing ovations after the darkest scenes, and the power of turning the spotlight to where it’s needed most.

Are you ready to take control and direct the heck out of your life’s show?

Let’s look at how to live fully after experiencing a devastating loss, recognizing that grief and joy are not mutually exclusive but co-stars in the complex production that is life. Through this lens, we can begin to see how directing your life show means creating room for every emotion, experience, and character, making sure each one gets a moment in the spotlight, makes its mark, and then gracefully exits the stage when the time comes.

How to Reclaim Your Role as the Director of You

You can begin to recliam your role as the director of you by redefining your daily routine.

Your daily routine can be like the scenes in your production. If grief has dominated your mornings with sadness and despair, consider reshaping that scene. Start your day with a positive affirmation, or maybe a meditation, or really just do anything that brings you joy.

For me, that’s literally sitting down with my first cup of coffee. That moment in my morning brings me immense joy, no matter what else is going on.

It only has to be a sliver of joy. Just a tiny bit to start with. But by consciously changing your morning routine, and acknowledging that little bit of joy, you set the tone for the rest of the day.

Grief may demand your attention at unexpected times., but you can set boundaries by designating a specific time to let grief to do its thing. Like, maybe you spend 15 minutes journaling about your feelings every night before bed. Or maybe you decide to set aside a block of time where all you do is think about grief and let all your sadness and worries and anger come out in full force at that time. This way, you’re the one in charge of when grief shows up on your life’s stage.

Your job as director of you is to let each scene have its moment, but also know when it’s time for grief to take a bow and exit stage left.

You can also reclaim your role as the director of you by creating a support network.

As the director of your own show, you can assemble a cast and crew to support your production. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups who understand or at least will commit to understanding what you’re going through.

Our Widow Squad membership is a great example of surrounding yourself with supportive people. These widows understand you because they are you. These supportive relationships can totally change the game, moving you from feeling all alone and isolated to feeling connected and on the path to healing.

Part of directing your life involves exploring new interests and introducing new plot twists. If you’ve always wanted to learn an instrument, take up painting, or join a dance class, now is the time. My cohost Melissa decided to learn tap dancing after her husband, Dave died. I think that’s pretty cool. What do you want to explore? What new hobby or interest could you pursue? These new experiences can become exciting new scenes in your life’s story.

Just like a director might consult with experts in their field, you can seek professional help when you need it, too. Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief. They can provide valuable insights and techniques to help you direct your life’s production with more confidence.

You can reclaim your role as the director of you by writing your feelings down. Journaling can be your way of rewriting the scenes in your life. Write about your experiences, your crooked path through grief, and your goals for the future. Journaling allows you to sift through and filter your feelings because you can see everything you’re feeling right there on paper.

I know for me, I sometimes don’t even know what I’m thinking until I write it down and start making sense of it. You’d be amazed at what you can actually uncover about your grief when you write it down.

A director celebrates milestones or hitting those big marks during production, and as the director of your own show, you can celebrate your progress in managing grief. Acknowledge the steps you’ve taken and the positive changes you’ve made. Celebrations mark significant accomplishments and moments of triumph in your personal journey.

Recasting The Characters to Balance Emotions for a Richer Story

Now let’s move on to the idea of changing up the characters in your story.

Your life story after a loss involves a cast of characters, including grief, anger, worry, fear and a bunch of other emotions. Happiness may have become a bit player, hiding at the end of the order of appearances.

But it’s important to have a balanced show, right? Much like a theatrical production that relies on a diverse cast of characters, your life gets richer and more relatable when your emotions are in sync.

A balanced show equates to emotional resilience. You know how a play needs both moments of tension and moments of relief to make it work? It’s the same with life, right? Experiencing a wide range of emotions strengthens you, helping you deal with the highs and lows of grief without being overwhelmed.

A well-rounded cast of characters contributes to authentic storytelling.

You know how a play with one-dimensional characters falls flat? Yeah, it’s a boring yawn fest, right? Well, your life story gets a whole lot more interesting when you mix in a range of emotions and experiences. Being open about what you’re really feeling, all of it, makes your story resonate more. It lets people get where you’re coming from on a whole new level.

Keeping things balanced helps you avoid burning out emotionally, too. I’ve had too many emotional burnouts to count, so I can say unequivocally, you need to give yourself some grief breaks. Similar to actors needing breaks in between performances, you also need moments of relaxation and chill vibes to recharge and keep going. Mixing in some self-care and fun times along with the tough stuff keeps you from crashing and burning, and it’s all about keeping you feeling good for the long haul.

Keeping things balanced isn’t just about managing your emotions, though; it’s key in your relationships too. The best shows out there shine because every cast member, from the leads to the supporting roles, works in unison. It creates this incredible dynamic where everyone supports each other. It’s the same deal in your relationships.

Opening up about your highs and lows lets your inner circle step up in a meaningful way. Letting people in on both the tough times and the good times means they can really be there for you, offering the kind of support and understanding that counts.

A balanced show also inspires and motivates. Think back to a show that really grabbed your attention. It had a bunch of diverse themes and characters and plot twists you didn’t see coming. Your life’s like that too. Those moments of pure joy, big wins, or even just personal breakthroughs? They’re like your own highlight reel, giving you that extra nudge to keep creating a life that’s truly worth living.

By incorporating these examples into your life, you ensure that grief is just one part of a more comprehensive and fulfilling narrative. Finding balance in your emotions, experiences, and relationships is key to your overall well-being and personal development.

Because let’s be honest. An unbalanced show isn’t believable or relatable. To create a charismatic and interesting production, happiness and its cohorts must come out of hiding. A good director knows how to encourage and improve all characters for an engaging performance.

What do these characters want? Acknowledgment and recognition, just like grief.

You can change the cast’s order of appearance and manipulate the scenes to let the positive players have some time in the spotlight too.

As the director of your own show, you get to change the story when it suits you. Life is a dynamic plot, and you have the creative freedom to adapt your script as needed.

Techniques to Rewrite Your Life’s Narrative

Are you ready to rewrite the scenes in your story to craft a more compelling narrative?

Changing your story often begins with changing your point of view. Think about looking at your grief and everything around it in a new way. Instead of seeing your loss as a tragic ending, view it as a chapter in your life that’s laying the foundation for substantial growth and personal development.

Success in your story doesn’t have to conform to external standards. You can redefine success to align with your own values and desires. Instead of measuring success or measuring how well you’re grieving or not grieving by societal norms, define it by your own terms, focusing on achievements that hold personal significance to you.

You can reshape your story by embracing change. Life is full of unexpected twists and turns, and your story can evolve to embrace change gracefully. When a new job pops up or there’s a chance to move somewhere new, look at it as a chance for some exciting growth and exploration, rather than a disruption.

Each day brings the opportunity to write new scenes in your story. Keep an open mind and be willing to explore new experiences and venture off onto new paths.You might decide to start a new hobby, take a course, or travel to a place you’ve always wanted to visit. These experiences become vibrant scenes in your ever-evolving narrative.

Forgiveness is a powerful tool for changing your story. This includes forgiving yourself for any perceived shortcomings or regrets. If you’re carrying guilt or regret related to your spouse or life partner’s death, forgiving yourself allows you to release that burden and move forward with a lighter heart. It’s not that hard to do, really. Just look at yourself in the mirror and say, “I forgive you for not knowing what to do before you figured it out.”

Boom. Done.

You can also reshape your story by remaining flexible. Life rarely follows a straight path, but being open to change helps you overcome unexpected challenges. If circumstances require you to put certain goals or aspirations on hold temporarily, know that it’s okay to adapt your timeline. You’re the director of you, remember? You get to call the shots.

The whole idea here is that you can change your story whenever something doesn’t suit you. While grief remains in most of the scenes, it’s now sharing the spotlight instead of monopolizing it. None of these emotions and feelings will ever go away completely; we simply create space for them all to coexist.

Finding the Inner Applause: Embracing Self-Validation and Personal Strength

Before we wrap up I want to talk about one more super important topic: Finding the Inner Applause.

Sometimes, we seek validation from others, but the most significant applause comes from within ourselves. You don’t need anyone’s permission or confirmation to make changes or live on your own terms. And no one else needs to approve of your choices or validate your feelings for them to be completely valid and true for you.

You already have your own personal fan club – it’s that inner voice or gut feeling that’s always in the audience, watching how your story unfolds. Sometimes, you might try to tune it out, but deep down, you know it’s rooting for you. This inner voice has a huge say in how you view and live your life, because it’s all about giving yourself the credit you deserve.

Your personal fan club is there to remind you it’s totally legit to feel however you’re feeling and to mourn in your own unique way. It’s your built-in support system that’s all about showing you kindness and understanding, especially when the going gets tough, reminding you to treat yourself with the same care you’d offer to a friend.

This voice you sometimes listen to, but often times don’t? It’s there, in every scene, rooting for your success, guiding you through each act with compassion and encouragement.

Wrap Up

As we bring the curtain down on this analogy of directing the stage show that is your life, remember that grief is a character, but it doesn’t have to be the star. You have the ability to create a production that highlights the full spectrum of emotions, ensuring happiness and joy are given the spotlight they deserve.

You can change the scenes and reorder the cast’s appearance, but nothing works in any production if the director doesn’t have the vision.

Nothing works if you don’t believe it will.

When you own your story, accepting all the scenes and all the parts without judgment or condemnation, and heaping praise for everything that brought you to this place, your production will shine.

The minute you believe in your vision to lead a fulfilling life, the roar of the crowd gets louder.

The clapping and whistles grow more intense when you accept that your story is unique to you and requires no comparison, regret, or shame.

Thunderous applause echoes on the stage as you stand behind your truth and take a bow for everything you’ve been through.

A standing ovation confirms the crowd adores you.

But when you take a closer look out into the audience to see who’s there to support you, the hazy outline of people starts to disappear.

The lights slowly go up and you realize one is there.

The theater is empty.

That’s when you understand that all the clapping and cheering wasn’t from anyone else. The deafening applause was from your own heart and soul cheering you on to continue living while you’re still alive.

You don’t need anyone’s permission to make changes or regroup. And you don’t need anyone else to remind you that you’re special or worthy. No one else needs to confirm you’re “doing it right.”

You only need to tell yourself.

If you’re looking outside of yourself for confirmation, adulation or acceptance, you’re looking in the wrong place.

No one has to understand your relationship with grief or any of your feelings or emotions. No one else gets to decide when they show up or how long they stay.

Only you can make those choices.

As the director of your life, it’s up to you to decide how long to let grief monopolize the stage. If you’re ready for happiness and joy to get back in the game, move grief to a supporting role instead of allowing it to be front and center all the time.

When you decide and believe that grief doesn’t have to consume the entire production, you can change your show and bring the bit players like happiness and joy out of hiding.

And turn your unbalanced show into the most engaging production possible.

Thank you for joining me on this journey of storytelling and self-empowerment.

Until next time, take care, and keep believing in the power of your story.

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