Exploring Effective Grief Therapy Options for Widows

When you’re searching for a therapist to help you with your grief, it can be challenging to find effective grief therapy options for widows. Where do you find a good therapist? How do you know if they can help you? What do all those letters behind a therapist’s name mean? 

In this episode, we talk all about the different education and certification levels of therapists and counselors, how to ask the right questions during the selection process, and our advice on persevering through the process.

We discuss the common mistakes we made, such as not vetting therapists in advance and giving up too quickly, while sharing other valuable lessons we’ve learned along the way.

Key Topics in this episode include:

• The overwhelming task of sifting through lists of providers and the significance of trusting your intuition when it comes to rapport and compatibility
• Understanding that therapy isn’t about someone fixing you, but rather guiding you towards self-healing and growth
• The power of hearing professionals validate our experiences, such as diagnosing PTSD, and the subsequent self-compassion that followed

We hope our personal stories and experiences will provide comfort, validation, and a sense of community to widows grappling with similar challenges and questions surrounding therapy.

Listen to the Full Episode

Links + Resources From This Episode

• The Dougy Center
• EMDR therapy

Episode Transcript

Melissa: Hello, beautiful listeners. It’s Melissa, joined by my incredible co-hosts, Jen and Kim.

Welcome to another episode of The Widow Squad podcast, where we’re navigating the journey of widowhood together.

Today we’re diving into something truly transformative: grief counseling and therapy. We know that dealing with the loss of a spouse can feel like navigating an endless storm, but trust us, there is land in sight, and therapy can be a guiding compass. So, let’s take this journey together and discuss the power of professional support in healing and rebuilding our lives.

Kim, I know we’ve talked a little offline, and I know you’ve done a ton of research, so what do you know about the differences between all the mental health professionals?

The Power of Professional Support: Grief Counseling and Therapy

Kim: Well, that’s a really good question because I had all the questions myself when I was trying to figure if I should go to therapy. I didn’t go to therapy right after my husband died, but I took my older son to see someone. But then I ended up going about four years after my husband died.

I was very confused by all the alphabet soup letters behind everybody’s name. Right? You see all these letters and I didn’t know what they meant.

When I started therapy, I went to a psychologist, and I don’t know if everybody or you guys know the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist, but a psychiatrist is a medical doctor, and they prescribe medicine, so they can work in a clinical setting or a therapeutic setting. But the key is they prescribe medicine. Psychologists don’t prescribe medicine.

Well, I wasn’t prepared to take any meds, so I went to a psychologist.

As I’m kind of doing my research for him, I find out that he has a PhD, which was appealing to me, because I’m thinking, if I’m going to go talk to somebody, I want the highest upper echelon person as possible. So anyway, he had a PhD, and then he was a professor at a university here in Michigan. I thought, okay, that’s good. And he was great, and I loved everything that he did.

So, I just did more research about who these people are and what they offer. Because I know some other people I talked to went to see a social worker. And I had taken my older son through about four or five different therapists in his teenage years, and some of them had “limited” licenses.

I did a lot of research on this, but what really started me asking the questions was when I had taken my older son in for a clinical evaluation. I wanted a clinical diagnosis. I needed to know, was this child depressed? Did he have behavioral problems? I don’t know. I’m not a professional. I can’t diagnose him. I knew that something was off, so I took him to see someone. The person that I was seeing did not deal with children. He only dealt with adults. But he gave me a referral.

So I went to see this other therapist, and he was a psychiatrist. I didn’t know realize it at the time, but anyway, I took my older son in for a clinical diagnosis. The therapist asked me to leave the room and he talked to my son privately and when I came back in he said, “well, these are the medications that I’m prescribing.” And I was like, “no, not medication. I’m here for a diagnosis. I need to know if he has a clinical diagnosis of something.” He would not give me a definitive answer. That’s exactly why I wanted to see him, to give me the clinical diagnosis. He did not have one, but he was prepared to prescribe medication, you know, just hand out the meds.

What was so surprising to me was, he’s like, “I don’t practice in a therapeutic setting. I just prescribe medication.” I said, “you literally sit in your office asessing people and writing on a prescription pad all day? That’s all you do?” And he said, “yes.”

I was like, wow, I just learned something today. Did not even know that was a thing.

Melissa: So there’s no talk therapy as part of your consultation.

Kim: Nope. No talk therapy. There was nothing. And I didn’t really even get anything definitive from him. So we wasted like an hour and a half or two hours, whatever it was. I was sorely disappointed because I had a lot of trouble with my older son in school and stuff, too. And I wanted to know, what is the “thing” that’s happening with him? Let’s fix that thing. But I couldn’t get anybody to tell me what that thing was.

Maybe there was a culmination of things. But anyway, that was like, oh, my gosh, no, I don’t like that. That’s not cool. So we left without medication or anything. And besides, I had already told this therapist that my older son was getting in trouble and taking drugs. And that’s a whole other issue we were dealing with. But I was like, “I’m not giving him medication. He’s taking drugs illicit, like illegal drugs right now. I don’t understand this.”

So that sent me down the whole rabbit hole of who are these people? What degrees do they have? What experience do they have? How can they help me as a widow? How can they help my child as someone who lost a parent? So that’s why I went down the rabbit hole.

Now I just want to go over some degrees and designations that some of these people can earn just to give you guys and the listeners some idea of who you’re dealing with. Because I personally went to see a psychologist with a PhD. And that might be important to you, that might not be important to you, but if they have a PhD, they can also just be a teacher in an academic setting. They may not even be practicing.

Melissa: Oh, you’re right. Like, my brother-in-law is a doctor, but he’s a doctor of economics.

Kim: Yeah. So the psychologists earn a minimum of a master’s degree, but if they go on to PhD, they’re probably a little bit more focused in academia than therapeutic setting. But the guy that I went to see does both. So, someone else recommended me a social worker. I was not aware that social workers can do therapy, but they actually can. So at a minimum, a social worker has to have a master’s degree. And if they have a Master of Social Work, then they can do psychotherapy, but they have to have supervision. So, you can have a Master of Social Work or you can be a licensed master social worker.

Jen: I have a question. So when you are researching who to see for help getting through grief, a social worker is not like, top of my mind, for sure.

Kim: Right.

Jen: Is this something that you would come across, let’s say, if your insurance is going to cover something for a mental health issue or whatever it is you’re researching through your insurance? Because that was kind of like my starting point, and I can get into that later, but I don’t know where to start when I’m looking. So I’m going to look at my insurance, see who’s covered, and then they’re going to send me somewhere. Is that person maybe a social worker?

Kim: It could be. I had looked at some practices in my area, and one had ten or 20 different therapists in their practice. Some had psychologist degrees, some had social work degrees, some had limited licensed professional counselor degrees.

This is where I got confused, because I would go look and see what do they treat? Because when I was looking for a therapist for my son, what I was looking for was specifically grief related.

Well, let me tell you, and you guys probably had the same experience, it’s ridiculously hard to find someone with specific grief counseling credentials. That was a very hard thing to find. So that’s where I started seeing that some social workers are counselors, which was like, oh, I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that they could work in a therapeutic setting. But if you had a licensed Master of Social Work degree, then you can work in the mental health setting, but you’re still under supervision. You have to go all the way up to a Licensed Clinical Social Worker to be able to practice therapy without supervision at all. So there are a couple of different levels of that. If you’re looking and you say, well, this person’s at the lower level, middle level, high level, it’s your comfort level, what do you want to do? Maybe one of them has more grief experience than the other. I don’t know. Those are just some of the things you have to figure out.

Jen: And that’s when you’re looking at the letters behind their names. Like LCS or whatever.

Kim: Yes. So what does that mean? And how do I know you can help me? That was my biggest question. How do I know you can deal with what I’m dealing with in our family and help my child and help me?

So then we get into the counselors. Counselors have to get a master’s degree, but you can have a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor degree, and you’re practicing under supervision. Or you could have a Licensed Professional Counselor degree, and you’ve got more postgraduate hours, but you’re still under supervision in a clinical setting. Then you can go up from there, right? So you have to have so many hours of supervised clinical therapy sessions before you can get to the point where you can do it on your own.

But then you could also be a Licensed Marriage and Family therapist. So that’s an LMFT. So that would be another subset where you’re focused specifically on marriage and family. You can also get advanced or additional certifications. You could have certifications in addiction and drug counseling. That’s a CAADC Certified Advanced Addiction and Drug Counselor. You could have that certification. You could be a certified EMDR therapist. That’s the eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy.

Melissa: Oh, yes. I love that.

Kim: You could be a Certified Behavioral Therapist. So you’ve probably heard a lot about CBT. That’s kind of the mindset therapy or changing your thoughts and whatever. Then there’s Dialectical Behavior Therapy, and they focus more on people who are may be self harming or have suicidal thoughts or really are a detriment to themselves.

There are so many different therapies and there’s more certifications. I’m not even going to down the list of certifications, but there’s just so many different things you have to keep in mind.

And I did go see a grief counselor before my husband died, because we knew he was going to die. So I went to see a grief counselor to ask her, “how do I tell my children that their father is going to die?” Now, I got that referral from the funeral home. So they said, we know this grief counselor. You can go see her. She was great. She helped me. It was wonderful. She was really a good therapist and a good person.

But she didn’t take insurance. So when I originally went to see her, it was just before my husband died. After he died, I thought, maybe I should go back because I knew she was a grief counselor. Maybe I should go see her again. Anyway, she moved her practice further away than I was willing to drive. But, yeah, insurance did not cover that grief counselor. I considered taking my son to see her, too. But again, she was too far away for me to drive at that point. And just too expensive.

Melissa: Out of pocket? Yeah, we’re out of pocket too.

Kim: Anyway, as I was doing all of this research, I just decided to start writing down some questions that I would ask a therapist if I was interviewing him or her now, to decide if that was worth our time.

So I’m just going to share with you the questions that I would recommend asking. I would recommend interviewing your therapist. You’re going to get referrals from people. That doesn’t mean you can’t call them on the phone and ask these questions and talk to them and get their tone of voice, their personality, anything. That’s your intuition we’ve talked about intuition before. Usually it comes into play where you’re like, I like this person, or I don’t like this person.

Melissa: Yeah, it has to be a good fit.

Kim: It has to be a good fit and a good feeling. So I would recommend asking questions like, obviously, what are your credentials and where did you get them? How long have you been doing this? Do you have any specific certifications? Do you have any advanced certifications? Are you a drug counselor? Are you CBT? Whatever. Any advanced certification that they have. What is your therapeutic approach? I don’t know what a therapist’s therapeutic approach is. You have to ask your person what their approach is, and you’ve got to figure out if that’s a good approach for you.

Melissa: Is that going to be my approach? Yeah, exactly.

Kim: And then ask what is your experience in grief counseling?

I came across a lot of people who put grief on their list of things that they talk about. I wasn’t convinced that was just really something that they could focus on, because there might have been 25 to 30 different things they listed as topics they could talk about. So I want to know what your experience in grief counseling is. Not that you just add it to your bio. What have you done with it before?

And then ask, how long have you been practicing? How long are your sessions, and what’s the cost per session? Do you offer a sliding scale? Sometimes when you don’t have insurance or can’t afford it, they will give you  a discount. So you can ask do you offer a sliding scale?

Do you offer phone sessions? I mean, this was obviously after COVID, you do more Zooms and maybe phone sessions. The therapist that I was seeing when COVID hit went to Zoom meetings, and I just stopped going because I didn’t really want to do it over Zoom, so I just stopped going. I was at a point where I think I was ready to break it off anyway, so COVID kind of helped me out there.

But ask if they offer phone sessions if you can’t get to them. They’re too far away. Whatever the case may be, that could be an option.

Ask if they can directly bill your insurance? Obviously another critical question. Sometimes they don’t directly bill, but you can get reimbursed by your insurance company when they give you the paperwork with the clinical code to bill your insurance company with. So that’s an option.

What’s your cancellation policy? We know as widows, solo moms running all over, doing everything, sometimes things fall through the cracks. So are you paying if you have to cancel within 24 hours? If something comes up, do they give you a freebie? Like it can happen once, and you won’t get charged?

Just interesting questions.

And finally, how and when will you assess my progress? I think the point of therapy is to have an end date. But if the therapist just wants you to keep coming back again and again and again, week after week, year after year how are you deciding that I’ve advanced, gotten better, gotten worse, right?

Jen: Yeah, that’s a great question.

Melissa: I wish I would have known that question.

Kim: Well, we assume that they know what they’re doing, and I’m going to tell you right now, some of them don’t. Sorry, I’m going to be blunt, but some of them do not know what they’re doing. So these are the reasons I came up with some of these questions. Because you get burned once or twice, and you’re like, yeah, I’m not doing that again.

The biggest one I had to ask was, are you married? Do you have kids?

Melissa: That’s true.

Kim: In my opinion, other people can have different opinions, but if you do not have children, I don’t believe you can tell me what you think I should or shouldn’t do. Not that they’re there to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, but you know what I mean. Like, don’t assume you know what it’s like to have kids if you don’t have them. And being married, too, obviously, you lose a spouse, right? If you’ve never been married, shared a bed, all the things. How do you know? Yeah, I know you went to school. I know you had textbooks. I want real world experience. That’s what I want.

Jen: Yes. Agreed.

Kim: Yeah. So those were some of the things that I went through. I had to go through a bunch of different therapists for my son, and just you learn as you go. So I’m offering up these little tidbits. You don’t have to stay where you are if you’re uncomfortable, if it’s not working for you. If you look at some of these questions and go oh, yeah, I don’t think that’s working for me because they don’t do this or that or something, then find somebody else. It’s okay. You can go.

So that was my deal.

Melissa, I don’t know if you have anything that you specifically dealt with?

Navigating Therapy Options and Finding the Right Fit

Melissa: Well, I wish I had that list of questions!

I talk about the Dougie Center often. They’re in Portland at www.dougy.org, and I was looking for grief support for my kids. And so that’s what they do. They help support kids and young adults through grief and loss.

They had a program where the kids would go. It was like play therapy. I would take them, and then the parents would kind of had their own support group as the kids were in their groups, and I found that pretty helpful.

I felt like I needed more individual therapy, but I had no idea what kind. I was working at the time and most medium to large size companies have an EAP or an Employee Assistance Program where sometimes they’ll offer free mental health sessions, but it’s based on their list of specific providers.

And so, like you said, they have all these alphabets letters behind their name. It’s overwhelming to even go through that list and figure out who am I going to call? So I ended up just calling the Dougy center. Now, I don’t know if they do this now, because this was ten plus years ago, but they had some recommendations for counselors, for me, for an adult, and so they gave me a list of three. And basically, whoever picked up and could get me in the quickest is who I chose, because I was at the point where I needed to talk to somebody stat, ASAP.

I really didn’t vet this person, but I figured, well, the Dougy Center, I’m trusting them with my kids. They’re world renowned. I ended up seeing a grief counselor. Again, I know that she was a nurse, like a family nurse practitioner, and I know that she had other schooling or whatever, but again, I should go look her up. I don’t know what her professional designations were, but she was great at the grief. She really helped me understand what I was moving through, all my emotions, and also what my kids might be moving through. So super helpful in that way.

I did need to ask that one question, like, what’s the end date? Or how will I know when I’m done or when we’re done here? Because I don’t want to be in therapy for three years.

I wish I asked that question. So, I’m moving through grief. I’m understanding it. We’re working together, and again, not covered by insurance. So I’m paying for this out of pocket. And it was a sliding scale, which was great, but I felt like after around the twelve-month mark, I’m like, “I think I got this.” She was more like, “no, I don’t think you have this. I think you need to keep seeing me.” But in my gut, I was like, yeah, I really don’t think so. But she’s the professional.

Jen: Right. I have a question. How long after Dave died did you start seeing her? Like, what was that at six months?

Melissa: Yeah, it was six months. And that’s when I was kind of starting to crack.

Jen: Okay.

Melissa: Yeah, that was kind of that mark. And so I’m like, I need somebody stat.

Kim: Melissa, you said you saw her for about a year?

Melissa: Two years.

Kim: Two years. Okay. And not to say that two or three or four years is too long. We’re not saying that if you see somebody for four years, you’ve been there too long. The question is between you and your therapist, what are the attributes of your progression that you would take into consideration? So, I don’t want anybody listening to think that you’ve been going for four years and that’s bad. It’s not bad. The question is, what’s the end game? And how do you know when you get there?

Melissa: Absolutely. And I felt like I was there, but then I felt like I wanted to break up because she was great at grief but I think she was trying to life coach me, and I didn’t know I was being life coached. I didn’t give her permission to really do that. So that’s where it got kind of not weird. But in my gut, I was like, I don’t think I need this anymore. And so I was trying to break up with her.

Kim: It’s hard to do. We’re laughing about it, but it’s really hard to do. I got out of it because of COVID, okay? All I had to do is say “yeah, now I’m not doing Zooms. Thanks anyway. Bye bye.” Yeah, I got out of it. I wasn’t sure how I was going to break up either.

Melissa: Right.

Kim: That’s a legit concern.

Melissa: Right, yeah. You’re paying a professional who believes you should continue the partnership. And so I’m like, okay, well, I kind of gave up my power a little bit there, and it wasn’t harmful or bad, but I thought after year two, it’s like, okay, I think I’m good, I feel good. I mean, this is great, this is the outcome. And so we parted ways.

Kim: You make a decision and if you change your mind, you go back. You can go back again if you need to at future time.

Melissa: Yeah, that’s not a problem.

So I’ve dabbled in therapy because things come up in life, not necessarily just grief related life experiences happen, and you’re just like, oh, God, how do I deal with this? I need some help. And so, I’ve dabbled in a few sessions here and there and one recent session I was kind of interviewing the therapist, like, are we going to be a good fit or whatever. And I felt like I was counseling her more. I’m thinking, this is interesting. I guess I know a lot about mental health because I feel like I am counseling you. So I cut that off.

Kim: Your intuition is talking to you. It’s telling you not all these professionals are professional, or not all of them necessarily know what they’re doing. I hate to sound mean, I’m not trying to be disparaging, but I’m just saying you have to know what your feelings are towards the person who you’re talking to if you don’t think they’ve got it going on.

Melissa: Yeah, and it’s okay. Listen to your gut. Your gut tells you, you know, if it’s a fit or not. Because that’s the thing. I mean, if there’s a golden unicorn out there, that’s fantastic. Your first try, you’re like, this is the person that’s really going to help me move through my grief or whatever I’m moving through. But sometimes they’re not and you know it. And just because they are professional and have gone to school, they may just not be a good personal fit for you.

Kim: Right.

Melissa: Just the rapport. There’s a lot to do, a lot to say about rapport because you’re very vulnerable when you’re in therapy and counseling. So you have to trust that person. And if you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it, and that’s okay. You can find somebody else. But asking those questions, having those in your arsenal, I wish I was able to kind of ask some of those questions and know their answers. You’re giving up a lot of your power, and you have to trust this person. You’re being very vulnerable. You’re in a very vulnerable spot. So it’s super important to ask some of those questions and listen to yourself.

Kim: And it’s expensive. I had a high deductible health plan, so I paid everything out of pocket anyway. And I was like, I can’t pay this kind of money to not get what I need or what I want. So my catalyst, was like, this is a crap ton of money to pay per hour, so let’s make sure we’re getting the biggest bang for the buck.

Melissa: Yeah, totally.

Well, Jen, did you have any experience with mental health professionals or grief counseling?

Uncovering Trauma in Therapy and Lessons Learned

Jen: I did. So with regards to therapy, I definitely made the mistakes. I made a lot of mistakes. And so that’s what I just wanted to kind of start with, the things I did wrong. Because prior to Brent’s death, I had never been to therapy before. I didn’t have a reason to go. I was doing fine living my life and then he gets killed unexpectedly and so violently that it shook me to my core. And obviously, I needed help to get through it. I needed help.

I knew that I needed some kind of professional guidance, someone who specialized in trauma and PTSD and all those things. And someone who specialized in grief as well. But this is where I messed up, because just like we said, I didn’t ask any of those questions. I was so upside down in my head and so traumatized and in despair. And I was trying to navigate therapy and finding a therapist on my own, and I didn’t know where to start.

So in the beginning, I went through my insurance. Like, who was my insurance telling me to go to? That was my starting point. I needed a starting point. I need some direction. And so I looked at all the providers to see who was local. I didn’t even look to see what the credentials were, if they were grief specialists, nothing. I was just like, okay, counselor, I’m going to go. Yeah.

Melissa: Who picks up the phone first and can get me?

Jen: I know. I’m like, I don’t care. It’s on the list. I’m going.

I knew I needed help, but at the same time, I also had this kind of attitude already in the back of my mind that I was walking into this office and this person was not going to be able to help me. I was like, I know I need help, but I know I’m going to walk in there and they cannot fix this. There is no fixing this.

My mind wasn’t really open to the fact that somebody could fix me, even though I was so desperate for somebody to fix me. So I kind of already had this mental block up in my head that I’m coming to you for help, but I know you can’t help me. I was just defensive about everything. I was just a mess. It was a mess. So I didn’t ask those questions. I didn’t ask if they dealt with trauma. Do you deal with grief? Nothing. It was just a general therapist, I think.

But anyway, so I went into her office, and I just remember sitting down telling her what happened. And again, the whole time I’m telling her because it’s this horribly violent story. I’m thinking, there’s nothing you can say back to me right now that is going to help me.

I’m like, I want you to fix me, and I know you can’t because there’s no fixing this. So anyway, mental issues everywhere, right? So, I’m talking to her. She’s sitting in front of me. I’m sitting on the sofa, and behind her there was this poster on the wall, and it was this poster of this beautiful white sandy beach, and it had this crystal clear blue water. It had palm trees and like, a boat or whatever. I’m talking to her and I just keep looking at this picture over her shoulder. And then I kind of moved. Like I glanced over at her desk, and she’s got the picture of her husband and her kids and she’s got the pictures on the desk of their happy family and, like, look at us. Look at our happy family again. I was pissed. I was just like, this is not the person that I need to talk to. It’s like, you want someone that you can relate to. You want someone who knows how this feels and who can relate again, that was like the second mental block, okay, she’s not going to get me. Maybe it was a timing thing. This was really early on. I want to say this was within the first two months.

Kim: Did you stay with her or did you how long were you with her?

Jen: One time, okay. We were in the middle of the session. She had to get up and walk out of the room. For whatever reason, I don’t know. She got up, she walked out. And I walked over to the window because we were on the 8th floor of this building in the city. And I remember because it was a gray, awful, rainy, ugly day. And I just looked out and I’m like, everything is gray. Everything is this color. And this color is how I feel on the inside, too. I feel dull. I feel gray. My world is gray. This is my reality. You know how that feels, right? So as far as I could see and everything that I could see and everything that I was feeling was gray.

And then I turned around and I see that poster again on the wall with the beautiful white sandy beach and the beautiful blue ocean and you guys know my story. I had bought my plane tickets to go down to Turks and Caicos to just get away from the gray, right?

And honestly, I think that was a sign from Brent.

Kim: I do.

Melissa: Totally. I was going to say that it was a sign.

Jen: I’m like, why is that poster right there in my face? I’m sitting here talking to her and that’s what I’m looking at. And I was just like, it’s a sign from him. It’s a sign from the universe or combined or all of it. But I’m like, that is where I need to be. That’s what I’m doing. So I walked out of her office. She was very nice. I walked out, not cured, go figure. And I was like, no, therapy is not for me. This didn’t work, right? I just gave up on it immediately. I was like, one visit, that’s it. Not giving it another chance. I was kind of pissed. She didn’t fix me.

Melissa: Oh, God.

Kim: The thing is, I think we have the assumption that therapists are going to fix us, but the good therapists teach you how to fix yourself, right? We don’t know that going into it. We assume that they’re going to give us some magic potion or pill or saying or something that’s going to fix it, and they don’t.

So, if you go to a therapist that helps you fix yourself, then stay with that therapist.

Jen: Yeah. So that was mistake number two, okay? I didn’t ask the right questions at first. Mistake number two was that I gave up on it immediately. I walked out of there and I was like, no, therapy is not my thing. Yeah, not a good choice. It was actually several years later. I was looking for help with Claire at that point. She was getting to be about maybe five or six years old. And I had found this amazing art therapy for kids right outside of New Orleans. And so I started to bring her to these sessions. They were weekly sessions. It was a group setting. And I was like, I’m going to get her help. She needs the help. And I don’t know what to say. And these are the professionals. It was fantastic. This place was wonderful. They did art therapy. She was getting everything that she needed. Meanwhile, I was on the back burner.

Melissa: Not taking care of myself, not prioritizing.

Jen: Both yeah. And so I felt like I was doing okay at that point because it was a few years later. I wasn’t great, I wasn’t cured. I knew I still had this trauma that I was dealing with.

This friend of mine had told me about EMDR and that same therapy center that had the opportunities for kids to get together, and one-on-one adult sessions as well. So, it was a separate counselor, grief counselor in the same building. I went ahead and I scheduled with her, and she was freaking phenomenal. And her name was Jan, and I had several sessions with her, but she really helped me work through some of the trauma issues, and I had a series of sessions with her, but like I said, she specialized in grief.

She was talking to me at the level that I needed to be at that point. It was just a timing thing, too. It was perfect. And I think it was like in our third session, when we were just in conversation, just in passing, she told me she said, well, “when you’ve suffered through an event like that and you’re dealing with PTSD…,” blah, blah, blah, and when she said that, that was the first time that I realized that I had PTSD. And nobody had ever said those words to me, even though, obviously I have PTSD, right? Of course I have PTSD, but I had nobody, especially at a professional level, tell me those words. And it was such an AHA moment for me when she said that, hearing it from somebody else. And the feeling that I got when she told me that, it was immediately forgiving myself.

Kim: It was relief.

Melissa: Yeah, relief.

Jen: I had this wave of self-compassion for myself. Like, I had let out this big sigh of relief. Like, oh, my God, you don’t have to be so hard on yourself. You’re not going to be cured of this. She’s just told you that you have PTSD. So this is not something that is going to go away. This is why you are still dealing with this, and you don’t need to be so hard on yourself. I mean, you guys, I was like, I could breathe. It was such an AHA moment for me.

Melissa: Were you also having trauma responses to sounds?

Jen: I was aware of my triggers and I was aware of things like that. But I guess at some point, I was just thinking, that’s going to go away, or, that should be going away by now, or, there’s something wrong with me that I’m still feeling this way when I was very hard on myself.

Melissa: This should be better.

Jen: Yes, it should be better.

Kim: We talk about that all the time, beating ourselves up with things like that. I mean, I didn’t suffer PTSD, but I didn’t realize I had a traumatic experience until someone told me I had a traumatic experience. So waiting four years to go to therapy, thinking, I’m going to do this on my own, right? I think it was a friend of mine had said, “well, you’ve suffered a pretty big trauma.” And I’m like, it never dawned on me that I had suffered a trauma. Obviously it’s a trauma, right? I mean, we know this, but your brain is not telling you it’s a trauma. Your brain is telling you, get over it, move on, do this, do that, whatever.

Jen: Like, what’s wrong with you?

Melissa: And we’re being mean to ourselves.

Kim: We’re being mean to ourselves. But to your point, Jen, when she said trauma, I was like, I’ve suffered a tremendous trauma. Oh my flipping god. Why have I not noticed this until now? It’s shocking, quite frankly. Shocking.

Jen: Yes. So that was definitely one of my biggest takeaways from going to therapy, is if not the biggest takeaway, was that AHA moment and stop being so hard on yourself.

I really felt like I had forgiven myself at that moment when she said that. I just want to say this too, and I want to just add this to the conversation that this is something that I have noticed in our Widow Squad meetings when we talk on our Zoom calls, is that whenever we have discussions about these things, similar topics come up.

A couple of weeks ago, one of our members said that she was struggling with something. It was something like falling asleep or she was trying to fall asleep and things would trigger her. And then another member said, “oh, I have this same problem. And I talked to my therapist about it, and this is what she said.” And she said, that’s completely normal. And my therapist recommended this to help. And I love that about our group because when we get together, it’s like we can all share the best, most helpful nuggets we get out of our therapy. It’s like everybody has their individual therapy and then we all come together for our weekly meetings. And it’s just so helpful for everyone that we can share this information with each other, with the best pieces of advice that we take home, like those nuggets, those AHA’s that we get from our therapist. And I don’t know if you guys notice that, but I do.

Melissa: It’s kind of wisdom sharing. Because everybody’s having their own experience and they’re sharing something. But then I’ve Googled stuff after our meetings. I’ll be like, I’ve never heard of that. I’m going to Google that. Or a book recommendation or sleep. I remember that conversation was like, well, here’s what I do for sleep. Or this is what my therapist said.

Kim: Yeah, somebody chimed in with like, “oh, but if you have an issue with this certain medication, you can’t do this.” You have to be aware of those issues too.

And I think it’s really about normalizing feelings. When we start talking, everybody’s like, “yeah, I did that, or I did this, or I felt that, or I asked my therapist about this.” We just normalize feelings and experiences because we all have them, and we all go through them.

Melissa: Yeah, absolutely.

Jen: So those are my words of advice about therapy, is not to make the same mistakes that I did.

Embracing Support: The Power of Seeking Therapeutic Help

Melissa: And I hope you forgive yourself too, because you’re moving through a traumatic experience. You’re not making the most informed decisions. You’re just like, somebody please help me. I will grab on to a lifeline. But having this in your tool belt, these questions, or maybe listening to some of our experiences, maybe the listeners can glean something, have something helpful from this conversation to inform their decision on whether they choose grief counseling or any kind of counseling. Mental health help. It’s highly recommended. This is a really challenging experience to move through. So I would give two thumbs up to any kind of mental health professionals seeking that help.

How about you guys? Two thumbs up, five stars. I don’t know. Yeah.

Kim: Can we go higher? Let’s go higher.

Melissa: Infinite. Yeah, definitely do it.

Kim: Definitely do it. I waited too long. Go do it.

Melissa: Well, that’s our episode. We’ve shared our hearts and our stories about therapy and counseling and moving through grief. So we hope that this chat can help you feel less alone and more open to seeking support. Because you deserve that support. Remember, seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a strength. So keep taking care of yourselves, ladies, and reach out when you need to. And join us next time on The Widow Squad podcast. For more real talk on navigating this journey we call widowhood.

Until then, remember, you are supported, you are loved, and you are not alone.