Home Repairs as a Widow

How to Tackle Home Repairs as a Widow

ByMelissa Pierce

We love sharing stories of resilience at the Widow Squad. Especially stories of how widows turn their own struggles into a source of hope for others.

I had the pleasure of intervieiwng Ryan Moates, a remarkable woman who found a way to support and comfort the widowed community after her husband’s tragic death. When Ryan was faced with a plubming emergency she didn’t know how to handle, she realized how ill-prepared she was to handle household repairs and maintenance and everything else on her own.

Ryane’s journey highlights the importance of finding strength and purpose amidst one’s darkest moments. Ryane had to step into roles and responsibilities that were once shared with her late husband and now she shares her expertise with other widows learning to become self-sufficient and navigate the challenges of homeownership.

Listen to the Full Episode

Links + Resources From This Episode

Episode Transcript

Melissa: On this week’s Widow Squad podcast we’re chatting with Ryane Moates.

Ryane, I’m so glad that you’re here and I want to dig into all that you’re doing to support and comfort the widowed community.

First, if you wouldn’t mind telling us a little bit about your widow story.

Unexpected Tragedy: A Widow’s Beginning Grief Journey

Ryane: So I was married for 30 years and I had a really good, beautiful, wonderful, sweet, precious, strong marriage. And, we just loved spending time together, and we loved playing different sports together and serving God together.

We went to church one Sunday morning and served that day and we went out to lunch and everything and it was Palm Sunday, March 28, 2021. It was just really a beautiful day. I guess I include that part, that it was such a beautiful day, and the sun was shining and the weather was so nice and we were just so happy. I guess I include that because it’s part of how this tragic accident took us 1000% by surprise.

We just went out bike riding together. My husband said, “Do you want to go bike riding this afternoon?” And I said, “sure.” We invited some friends to go with us and they weren’t able to make it. So the two of us just went together. And like I said, the weather was beautiful, and the sun was shining, and it was just going to be a glorious day and we were just going to spend time together and have fun. And it definitely started out that way. We were having fun and laughing and taking pictures and riding our bikes and building skills and building our marriage and it was just all perfect.

And he just hit the ground face first and it snapped his neck. And he was a quadriplegic instantly at that moment.

Melissa: But he was still alive at that point, right?

Ryane: Yes, he was still alive. And it was unbelievably traumatic. I ran over there to him and checked on him. I have a background in the medical profession. I’m an occupational therapist. And so I could instantly assess from the situation that he had a spinal cord injury and that it was from the neck because his whole body was visibly paralyzed.

And so, he was gasping for air. I was screaming like no one’s ever screamed before in their life. And we were literally all alone. We were just, like, nestled deep in the woods. We were on a designated trail, but there was just no one else around at that time. Right? And so, I was just screaming and crying and praying and he was kind of going in and out of consciousness and I was terrified.

Finally, a little boy came and he checked on us and I couldn’t even get to my phone because it was in my backpack and my hands were, like, cradling his his head. And I was trying to help him breathe and stuff. And so, this little boy, he got into my backpack and called 911. And then it was a really long time before the paramedics were able to get to us because we were nestled in the woods.

First of all, it was hard for them to find us, even though I sent the little boy to go to the parking lot and retrieve the paramedics and bring them to us. It was hard for them to wind their way to us. And, they just had to walk on this path by foot and carry a gurney and carry oxygen and all that kind of stuff.

But anyway, they finally found us after 30 minutes and they took him to the hospital. And, we know that there’s lots of people in the world who become quadriplegic and they live a long life, with all the adaptations needing to be made. And they continue to live, and they live healthy. I mean, their body doesn’t work, but they are still healthy. But that wasn’t the case with John. He was in the hospital for seven weeks total. And for two weeks he was having surgeries and we were trying to get him better. And he was actually declining every day because his muscles were getting weaker and weaker and weaker. They were atrophying.  

Melissa: Did he regain consciousness? Were you ever able to speak with him, speak with each other?

Ryane: Yes, he was conscious for two weeks. And were able to talk and pray together and sing together. And we devised a plan for his rehab together.  So we were on track to move forward and all of that kind of stuff. But then one night, he was being transported to have an MRI and it was in the middle of the night and the transport people were taking him to the MRI, and at that moment he became nauseous and he threw up. And I’m not sure if the transport people noticed right away that he had thrown up, but he threw up and he was completely paralyzed. So he aspirated or breathed in the vomit and that caused his heart to stop because his airway was blocked. He couldn’t breathe. His heart stopped, and he died. They revived him, but he was without air for 15 minutes. When they revived him, they got his heart back. His heart beat. They got his heart beat back, but his brain didn’t come back. He was in a deep, deep coma for the next five weeks. And then he just passed away.

Melissa: I’m so sorry, Ryan. In a way, it was sudden, but unexpected, his death. Is that accurate? You expected him to live in a different way, in a different body?

Ryane: Yes. And the thing is, I was just so full of faith, like, just absolutely 100% sure that we were going to have a miracle and that he was going to have a dramatic recovery way more and way better than anybody could have ever had in his situation. I had big dreams of this big miracle happening and so, no, I wasn’t expecting or preparing for him to die.

Melissa: Right. Yeah. And you have kids right between you?

Ryane: Yes. At the time, we had a 17-year-old and a 20-year-old.

Denying the Death: Facing the Unexpected Fear of Widowhood

Melissa: Okay, so can you walk me through that first year? What was that like for you? Were you in a fog or just what if you could describe a little bit about realizing that, oh, my gosh, this happened?

Ryane: Well, okay, so my personality is that I’m a joyful person. So the first five weeks and I think all widows go through this, but the first five weeks, I was in shock. And I didn’t realize I was in shock because I’m super logical too, and I’m like, okay, my husband passed away. That is a fact. That is not something that I can argue about. So I didn’t realize that I was in shock, but indeed I was, because for the first five weeks, my brain kept telling me, like, you can do this, you can do this, you can live by yourself, you can be a single mom, you can manage everything on your own.

Because if John were gone on a business trip for a really long time, you’re an intelligent human being, you’re resourceful, you can figure this out, you can take care of things. So my brain kept telling me, like, if he were gone on a business trip, you can do this. I wouldn’t say I was in denial that he passed away, but I would definitely say shock, because I guess I just kept on giving myself this pep talk. You can do this. If you are gone temporarily, you can do this. That my brain almost kind of thought, he’s gone for a little while.

Melissa: That is so interesting you say that, because I was thinking that Dave was on a long fishing trip and just not like, oh, he’s going to walk through the door at any moment. Even though I saw him, I performed CPR on his body. I did all that. I think it’s the brain’s kind of protection. To be just like, okay, your brain can’t handle all of this all at once, so we’re gonna give you a little reprieve for the first, you know, five, six weeks.

Ryane: Yeah, that’s exactly what I’ve heard, is our brain just can’t take it all in. So we almost pretend or we allow ourselves to think that he’s just gone temporarily. And so the weird thing is, during that shock period I could achieve a lot of a higher level of peace and joy during those five weeks because I was kind of living in shock and denial. And so the utter devastation and loss and grief was really masked at that time.

And then a really pivotal moment for me coming out of that shock was Father’s Day. It was coming up like five weeks after my husband died. I did not want to be at home for Father’s Day. That was just a horrifying thought for me. So my daughters and I planned a very little weekend getaway to Austin, Texas. And so we went to Austin and with all of my heart, I wanted to be like a good mom and a happy mom and I wanted to have it all together and I wanted to be strong and I wanted to be resilient and all of those things. I wanted to do all of that. But with each passing hour that we were on that trip, it just sank deeper and deeper and deeper into my heart and my soul and my brain and every part of me that this was permanent and this was reality. And I am going to be a single parent from now on. And that I am the head of the household and I’m the one that’s going to fix everything. And if we go on a vacation, I’m the one that drives, I’m the one that pays, I’m the one that does everything. There’s no other parent, spouse, husband, present. It’s just me.

Melissa: You’re making all the big decisions, little decisions, all the decisions.

Ryane: Exactly. And that was just an absolute ton of bricks, and it didn’t help at all. But when we would go out to eat, they would say, Party of three? And that was just like a dagger in my heart. I just wanted to punch him in the face.

Melissa: Right. Oh my gosh, you and I have such similarities. My mom stayed with us for about four weeks after Dave died, and then she left to go back home. And I remember setting the table because I was setting a table for four while she was here. I have two sons, and when she left, it’s like, I’m setting the table for three.

Wow. And that was like boom. Um, like you said, just the bricks just crashing. Yeah. Interesting.

Ryane: It’s really hard to look over at that spot at the table and it’s empty. It’s really hard. Whether you are at a restaurant, it’s still an empty spot. Or at home, the spot where he always sat is just empty. It just makes you sick.

So on our way back from Austin, even though I really tried my very best to hold it together and be strong and joyful and all of that good stuff, on the way back, the shock was just gone. It just was gone. That protective coating was gone. As we were driving back, I was just like tears were just dropping out of my eyes. And I was still trying to hold it together because I was in the car with my kids, but they were just dropping out of my eyes like a faucet. And then when we got home, I just had to go into my closet and bawl my eyes out because I just had the full realization that he’s never, ever, ever coming back. And that’s hard.

Melissa: Yeah. Ah, I’m going to breathe through that one a little bit.

Ryane: I think probably every widow has experienced that where they suffer the shock and tragedy that their husband died. But then they kind of gather themselves up and they’re like, I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I’m strong, I’m intelligent, I’m resourceful, I can do this. And then they tell themselves all these little lies like he’s gone on a fishing trip or he’s gone on a work trip or something. And then it all crashes down and you have to deal with the real reality that he’s not coming back and you’re alone and you have to do everything by yourself.

Melissa: Ah, I think that’s where the real work begins. The work of grief or the work of grieving. I believe that for me and a lot of the widows that I talk to that is when it kind of starts, when the shock just kind of fades away, the grief seeps in and kind of makes you deal with it.

Empowering Widows: Ryane Moates’ YouTube Channel

Melissa: So you are about a year and a half out, right? So folks who are listening to the podcast can’t see you. Um, you look like you’re ready to get down and fix, uh, some plumbing or go do some roof tiles. I mean, you’re ready for something.

You remind me of Rosie the Riveter. But you are Ryane to the Rescue. You have a YouTube channel. And I’d like to talk a little bit about what got you motivated or what got you inspired to create a channel to help widows with all the things that we necessarily didn’t take care of in our partnership.

So, if you could talk a little bit about that, that’d be great.

Ryane: So what happened is one night my shower broke and the shower faucet broke in the on position. My daughter was in the shower and she couldn’t turn the water off. It literally wouldn’t turn off. There’s no other option. Like, you couldn’t just grab some pliers and turn it off. No, water is just continuing to come out.

Here she is wet and naked, and she didn’t know what to do. Back then, we did not know how to turn off the water at the street, like, to the house. I wasn’t even home. My poor child, she didn’t know what to do. The only thing she could think to do was call a neighbor and say, “my shower is running. I don’t know what to do.”

Fortunately, our neighbor came over with some pliers and he knew how to turn off the water at the street.  Obviously that’s a temporary fix. But at least we got the water stopped from spewing around.

Well, then she told me about the problem. Well, I was in a very fragile state at that point emotionally, because my mom is getting older and I help take care of her. And I had already committed to picking her up that night and taking her to my other daughter’s concert that night. And as you know, she was already down one parent. And, I was absolutely not going to not show up because she only has one parent. Like, doggone it, I was going to be there. So I couldn’t just ditch my mom because she was counting on me picking her up. I couldn’t just ditch my daughter because I felt like it was important that I’d be there. And then I had this plumbing issue at home that was a very urgent issue because our water was turned off the house. We had no water whatsoever, and we had three women living there.

So I had lots of different crises going on. And it was like, there’s only one of me. Like before, when my husband was there, he could fix the plumbing, and I could go get my mom, or he could take care of the plumbing. And then I could go to the concert or something like that.

Melissa: You’re the only parent. You are the only one.

Ryane: Exactly. And not only did I have to take care of all of those things, but I wasn’t  equipped and I didn’t know how to take care of this plumbing situation. So I was in a very bad state of hopelessness and despair. And I mean, I was spiraling hard that night, and I was trying to keep it all together for my mom and for my daughter, but I was not in a good state at all. And I was just terrified. And I knew that after I got through with the concert and everything that I needed to get back home and I needed to do something about that shower.

Well, a friend connected me with a plumber who was willing to do a video chat with me on how to fix the shower. So there was nothing in me that wanted to grab a wrench and grab pliers and grab all of the other things that I needed and fix that. There was not one single thing in me that wanted to fix that. I just wanted to go run and hide and cry and be like, why don’t I have a husband to fix this for me?

But we don’t have that option. Right?

Melissa: Right.

Ryane: So I got on the phone with the plumber, and he told me the tools that I needed. And it was a little comical because he would say, do you have this type of pliers? And I’m like, I don’t know. My husband probably has it. So I’d go out to the workbench, and I’d get out his bag and I pull something out, and we were doing a video chat. So I’d be like this, and he’s like, no. And I pull up this. He’s like, no. And he’s, like, explaining it, and I’m like, this? And he’s like, no.

Melissa: Oh, man. You finally hopefully, found the right tool.

Ryane: Yeah. So he talked me through it, and then when I finally fixed it, which I did an awesome job, by the way, I could disassemble the shower. I’m not even kidding. This wasn’t just a tighten up the screw sort of thing. No. It was disassembling. Removing the caulk, taking stuff out of the wall.

You have a big gaping hole in the wall with pipes and plumbing in the back, taking something out, fixing putting everything back together and caulking it in the end.

And I did all of that. Turned the water back on at the street and it worked beautifully.

Melissa: That’s fantastic. I love it.

Ryane: That was the actual catalyst for the whole Ryane to the Rescue ministry. Because like I said before, I fixed it. I was depressed, I was hopeless. I was spiraling in despair. I was just in a really bad place. And then I kept on pushing through. I just kept on grabbing another wrench and grabbing another tool and picking up that video chat phone, and I just kept pushing through the hard thing that I didn’t want to do, and then I fixed it. And then on the other side of fixing it, I felt like a hero. I had superpowers. I was this professional plumber chick. I felt unstoppable.

Melissa: Well, a boost of confidence. And that is the first thing that goes, I think, when you’re a widow, your confidence is toast. It is down the tubes. So you just got that hit of serotonin or whatever, of confidence, like esteem, self esteem. I can do this. I can do hard things. That’s amazing.

Ryane: Yeah. When I experienced that, when I experienced that pivot from despair to superhero, and what happened in between was I fixed the shower. I knew right then that I had to help other women, other widows specifically, or single women, or whoever else. I knew that I had to help people figure out how to press through those hard things and then actually teach them how to do it. The YouTube channel was born, and I just felt this inspiration from God, like, one after another, like he was giving me content ideas and the name Ryane to the Rescue and to dress like Rosie the Riveter and call my listeners,  empowered peeps, just one after another. And so I just felt like he planned it all out for me, and I just need to step forward in obedience and do all of that. And so here I am. Teaching how-to videos on YouTube.

Melissa: So you have to teach yourself first, then, how to do something so that you can show others.

Ryane: Yes.

Melissa: So there’s really two parts to this, because this is knowledge. You don’t necessarily have or haven’t had this wisdom for 20 years. You have to teach yourself the skill and then show it to others.

So thank you. That is really cool. I love it because I don’t know how to fix a flat tire. I wouldn’t know what to do in a plumbing emergency. So that is fantastic. I love it. So you’re specifically on YouTube, correct?

Ryane: Yes, YouTube is my main platform. And that’s what I feel like, is my biggest calling to do that. But then I’m also on TikTok and Instagram and Facebook,  because sometimes people are just on their platform of choice and they don’t really cross from one to the other. They may be like, I only do Instagram. I don’t do all those other things. So I just want to reach everyone where they are. And so I put different content on different social media sites. But it’s all going to be catered mostly toward widows, although I have lots of other people who listen, and that’s wonderful. But it’s catered toward widows. And it’s catered mostly about female empowerment and about getting through these hard places of grief and overwhelm and terror. Like the shower breaks. What do you do when the P-trap is full in your sink and your sink won’t run? What do you do when your toilet won’t flush? All these plumbing things, but, like, everything. I don’t know about other widows and other women, but I didn’t know how to do any of these things because my husband did them all. I didn’t even know how to renew the registration on my car. I just didn’t know anything. I didn’t fill air in my tires. I didn’t get my oil changed. I didn’t do any lawn care. There were 1000 things I didn’t know, and there were a thousand things that I was now responsible for.

Melissa: So you better get to work. Yeah, you really did it. I like what you said before  where you came from a point of despair to empowerment or feeling superpowers. Who doesn’t want to feel that? Because as widows, we all understand that hopelessness. You’re on the ground and you just have so much despair and you’re spiraling down. But just that one thing of getting the right tool, the right person to help you fix something that you didn’t think you could do before. And as widows, we’re doing that all the time. I didn’t think I could do that. Well, you’re doing it. You kind of have to do it. So having a resource like you and what you’re doing is just fantastic. And we’ll share all your contact information in our listener notes so the folks listening can access your fabulous tutorials.

Ryane: Wonderful. If there’s a widow, and she’s like, I don’t know how to use a table saw, and I really need to use a table saw to build this fence or whatever. And then she comes across my video and she’s like, oh, my goodness, this is a widow. And she’s teaching me how to use a table saw. And I don’t know how, and she didn’t know how, and now I’m going to learn. And then she conquers it and she masters it, and she does it safely, and she builds her thing. And then she feels like this superhero. Like, if I can be a part of that, then I did my job. And I feel so honored, right?

Melissa: And it’s a ripple effect, too, because if you can instill that sense of confidence or self esteem into a widow who is watching your tutorial, that’s going to trickle down to everybody that’s around her. If she’s got kids, her family members, all that is just this really positive ripple effect.

Ryane: Exactly.

Melissa: And you probably don’t even know it.

From Shock to Resilience: Rebuilding Life After Widowhood

Melissa: One last question we ask everybody on the show. What is a resource or something that really helped you move,  through this journey that you’re on or something? Maybe it could be happening now, a book or something. But what is something that really helped you kind of move yourself forward? It could be something somebody said or a special person in your life. Or maybe it was the plumber. I mean, he’s a saint.

Ryane: That truly was a pivotal moment. Truly, it was an epiphany and a change in my life from a downward spiral of despair to I’m a superhero and I can fix stuff. So that was a big moment. And I am eternally grateful for that plumber who was willing to do that video chat with me and talk me through the process. And I just clearly didn’t know anything, honestly. And I know I’m not alone in this either. But honestly, I even did that task crying. And I even told him, I said, “I’m sorry I’m crying, but my husband died, and I just feel like I shouldn’t be doing this. And I feel overwhelmed. And here I am picking up wrenches and stuff.” And I was just crying. You just got to push through the tears. What’s our other choice? Are we just going to sit in a dark corner and rock in the closet? Maybe for a moment, but we can do that forever. We gotta get up and fix the shower.

Melissa: Yeah, there’s a time and place for doing that. Just locking yourself in a closet. But life does move forward. Oh my gosh, this is fabulous. I thank you so much for being here. Is there anything else you would like to talk about or anything fun that you’re doing or anything really cool that you’re doing right now?

Ryane: Well, okay. So like you said, I have to learn stuff before I can teach it, because I’m not just a wealth of knowledge. I don’t just know a million things. That’s literally why I’m doing this, is because I don’t know stuff.

I’m learnaing things and then and then filming and editing and producing material so that I can teach others. So I am literally on this journey with everyone else. But what I am learning right now, I’m learning some different tips and maintenance strategies for taking care of your appliances. So, like the dishwasher, the washing machine, the dryer, and stuff like that. And. I am learning so much stuff that will extend the life of my appliances and keep them cleaner and help them run more efficiently. These are things that I didn’t know before. These are things that I didn’t do before. And so now I’m super excited about making this video about maintaining your appliances and keeping them clean and things like that, because I figure if there’s stuff that I wasn’t doing before and I didn’t even know to do before, then I’m probably not alone. And there are other women who could and should be doing these things, too. Because you know what? If we can maintain our appliances better to begin with and then they don’t break down, then we’re not in that whole catastrophe cycle of, oh, my gosh, my dishwasher broker. Oh, my goodness, my clothes washer broke, and now I don’t have any clean clothes. And now I have to go to the laundromat. It prevents that whole downward spiral of catastrophe.

Melissa: Yeah. Oh, that’s great. I can’t wait to watch these videos coming out because I didn’t know I don’t know anything about that stuff.

Ryane: Yeah, I’m looking forward to putting it out.

Melissa: Uh, well, thank you so much, Ryan. And thanks so much for everything you do to support and help the widow community.

Ryane: Yeah, it’s my pleasure. And I really love what you’re doing for the widow community, too, the Widow Squad and your private group that you have and everything that you do for the community as well. And it’s a beautiful partnership and teamwork that comes of widows who find ourselves in this club that we never wanted to be in. But suddenly when we are, we have this sisterhood of understanding where we’re all coming from and that we all need a helping hand and we all need encouragement. And so it’s a beautiful thing to team up with you and to offer support to the same beautiful community that just need a little extra love, a little extra encouragement, and stuff like that.

Melissa: Yeah, well said. We need to lift each other up, and we are doing that. So,  thanks for being a part of that.

Ryane: Yeah, my pleasure.

Similar Posts