Bucket list ideas for widows after husband's death

From Grief to Adventure: Bucket List Ideas for Widows

ByMelissa Pierce

Creating a bucket list after loss allows you to explore new experiences and find joy in life again. But what if your grief is so overwhelming you can’t even think about any bucket list ideas for widows?

Well, tune in to this podcast episode where we discuss the transformative power of opening yourself up to new experiences and how it can build confidence and self-esteem. Crafting a bucket list post loss can be part of your healing process because it opens up your brain to the possibility of rediscovering joy, hope, and purpose.

Key topics in this episode:

  • Bucket lists as a way to dream and explore possibilities
  • Taking the pressure off the “how” and just focusing on what sounds fun
  • Opening yourself up to new experiences and creating new pathways in the brain

Join us as we discuss the deep impact a bucket list can have on your self-confidence and overall well-being. It’s time to embrace the blank screen and open yourself up to new adventures.

Let’s get started on crafting your own post-loss bucket lists!

Listen to the Full Episode

Links + Resources From This Episode

“One’s destination is never a place but rather a new way of looking at things.”

Henry Miller

Episode Transcript

Jen: Hey, listeners. It’s Jen here, joined by the wonderful Kim Murray and Melissa Pierce.

Welcome back to another episode of the Widow Squad podcast.

Today, we’re diving into something a little different, but deeply empowering. We’re talking about crafting a bucket list, post loss, and embracing new experiences. Trust us, it’s about way more than just ticking a box. It’s about rediscovering joy, hope, and purpose.

So let’s get started with Melissa.

From Loss to Vision Boards and New Beginnings

Melissa: Oh, bucket list. I never really thought about it. I never really had one. I think you kind of have these fuzzy ideas in your mind about what you want to do or what experiences you want to have. And then when Dave died, there’s this void and this big blank screen. You wonder, like, do I want to camp anymore? I don’t think so. This adjusting or readjustment of what experiences do I want to have, and do I want my kids to have? And that’s daunting because it’s a blank screen in front of you.

The one thing that I really wanted to do was make myself feel better because I felt so bad and crappy and awful. I started digging into vision boards. We’ve done a vision board workshop in the Widow Squad. I’ve done quite a few vision boards. I keep them and when I go back to them I’ll be like, oh my gosh, this happened, and that happened. It’s really a vision of your future. It doesn’t matter whether you believe that it’s actually going to happen or not, but it’s something that you want. And it’s an expression of how you want to feel. I really dug into crafting vision boards and making myself feel better.

One of those things that I always wanted to do, even as a little kid, but I never did, was tap dancing. I always thought it’d be cool to tap dance, but I never took classes or anything like that. So that was kind of a bucket list thing.

I don’t have a list on the refrigerator of all the things that I want to do, but I just kind of opened up my life and my mind and my vision to what will make Melissa feel better? Because I feel like ultimate crap right now. So I was just open to any experience. And I got into tap dancing.

I did a lot of searching and reading books about spirituality. I started digging into being a more spiritual person. I wanted to connect with Dave and the people that passed on a deeper level. So those were kind of like bucket list type of things. I just wanted to make myself feel better, so I was open to anything. And the wackier, the better. You know, it seemed to make me feel a lot better.

I have some things on my bucket list around travel. I really want to go to Iceland and sit in the blue lagoon, the hot spring water. So, I have these things on my vision boards, and I think it’s a really great way to just visualize what you want and put it somewhere where you can see it every day. I used I have it in my office so I would see it every day, and see how I want to feel, things I want to do, what I want to experience. Living abroad is something that’s on my bucket list.

But honestly, yeah, I didn’t really have any bucket lists before Dave died. I didn’t really have a vision for myself. And so, when he died, I really had to come up with that. And it’s scary, but it’s also exciting. You know, you can be scared and excited at the same time. And it really kind of took me to a place where I really got to know myself a lot better by asking myself the questions. Like, what do I want? What do I want in my life? What do I want to experience? What types of things do I want on a bucket list? I don’t know. It was really empowering for me, because things surprised me. Things came up, and I would ask myself that question. I’m like, oh, people might think that might be strange for me to do, but I think I might want to do that.

Kim: You know, the bucket list kind of takes the pressure off you to make the how happen. It’s just something you want to do. You don’t have to know how it’s going to come to fruition. It’s just the dreaming part. The what do I want to do, what sounds fun to me part, and that’s really all it’s about. It’s just making those initial dream lists of what could be possible.

Melissa: Yeah. It’s kind of transformative because you open yourself up to new experiences. And I believe that. So, in my brain, when I open myself to new experiences, I’m creating new pathways. And it’s also maybe not giving the energy to those old pathways, those old those voices that are telling me, no, you can’t do this, you’re not enough, you’re not worthy, whatever.

No. I’d rather have new transformative experiences to open up those pathways and really build my self-confidence. At least for me, experiencing new things and dreaming and actually taking steps towards those dreams, really built my self-confidence and my self-esteem because that took a nosedive, you know, as we all know, self-esteem and self-confidence takes a huge hit, after the death of your partner. So, it was just kind of fun to think about new adventures, new experiences.

What about you, Jen? Do you have, like, a bucket list?

Tragedy to Travel and Rediscovering Joy

Jen: So, I actually did have a bucket list, an actual list of things that I wrote down. Now I didn’t start this until probably almost a year after Brent was killed. My bucket list started when Claire started going to this little preschool, and it was a fantastic school. I mean, it was great. She started to learn geography, and she started to learn about all these different cultures and places around the world. And she would come home with these amazing art projects and things that she had worked on.

She came home with this big poster board thing all about China with the great wall of China on it. She’s 3. She has no idea what she’s talking about, but she would come home, and we would have these conversations about all these places that she was learning about. She would say, “I want to go. I want to go to China. I want to see the great wall of China. And I want to do this, and I want to go to Paris. I want to, you know, go to all these different places. I started to think, like, baby, you want to? You want to go to Paris? Like, let’s go to Paris. Why not?

So I started to make a list with her, and actually I have it somewhere. So, in her messy little handwriting, we started to write all the places that we wanted to go, and it’s so cute. It’s in crayon somewhere. I’ll have to pull it up. Anyway, great wall of China. She wants to see these things. I actually started to do it. I actually started to book these things and take her to all of these places. And I know that I’ve talked to you guys about this before, but incorporating, bringing Brent with us in some kind of way. So, we had all his shoes. He had, like, 40 pairs of shoes. My thought was, okay, why don’t we book these places, go on these trips, do these things together, and it’s like we’re taking him with us. We would take his shoes with us. And these places that we would go, we would leave a pair of his shoes or leave one shoe. We’ve been to Berlin. We’ve been to Disney World. You know, all these firsts for her, that we could take him along with us on our bucket list adventures together. So, it was a way to honor him and take him with us and it was also building up my confidence. The fact that I was doing these things. And I kept telling myself, I don’t want to live scared, and I don’t want to think that I can’t do these things just because he’s not here with me. So, I was taking these big brave steps, trying not to overthink it and talk myself out of it like we tend to do. I was just out there doing the thing. You know, I’m like, I’m booking it. I’m doing it. We’re going. Trying not to get scared about it, which we do.

I mean, it’s scary to think of the things that we’re having to do now on our own or with little ones in tow, you know, because the loss that we have, Melissa, is just like you said, it takes a toll on our self-esteem. We just totally stop believing in ourselves. We don’t think that we can do these things. We tell ourselves why am I even bothering doing this? I’m not important enough to even bother doing this.

You know, we just talk ourselves down to where we stay in the same place, and we stay stuck and we don’t live an expansive life. We’re not living life to the fullest. We talk ourselves out of these things, and I just said, I am not gonna do that. I just made a decision. I said, I am not gonna do that.

I think it’s really important to just make a list. Just start writing it down. We talked about journaling before, but this could be part of a journal exercise that you do. Make a list. The simple act of making a list is going to open up your imagination. It’s going to open up your curiosity. It’s going to open up this world of wonder that’s still inside of your head. It’s still there. So go with it.

Write those things down, things that you never really thought about. But now that you’re sitting there with this piece of paper in front of you, you think like, oh, maybe that would be fun. And it doesn’t need to be all about travel. I talk about travel because that’s my thing, but when you’re traveling, you’re also learning a lot of new things and a lot of what I feel like is important in growth. Expanding yourself is learning things.

So maybe you want to learn how to surf and book your trip to Costa Rica and go take surfing lessons or whatever. You could put it on your bucket list. Swimming with dolphins. That could be another one. I talked to one widow in our group, and she joined a local theater. She decided she wanted to be in a play. She had never been in a play before in her entire life, but she was like, you know what? This could be fun. She joined this local theater, and she had a blast. She was learning these singing numbers. She’s like, I can’t sing, but I’m doing it. It was on her bucket list. I’m gonna be in a play. And she was. She did it. I mean, what else is there? God, so many things.

Melissa: Community theater is great. I love it. Oh my gosh. And, then you’re also expanding your friends. Right? Your friendship circle opens up.

Jen: There are so many benefits to doing that. You’re a part of something. You become a part of a group, a community, which is more support for you. I love that idea. Put it on your list. Meet a famous person that you admire. That’s kind of cool. You know? Why not?

Things that you can just dream about. And what’s nice too is that it is personal. It’s all about you and kind of getting to know yourself again and what would be fun and what would be exciting for you. I think it’s really important to 1) just start making your list. First of all, just get started there. But 2) Start doing these things. Start taking some action. Put things on your calendar. Put something on your calendar that you can look forward to that’s going to motivate you and keep you going. We’re just trying to move forward. Right? And why not with some excitement and things that you love? So, take some action, get those things on your calendar, start living an exciting life. I just love this topic. You guys, I could go on and on.

Melissa: It’s also a chance to connect the dots. So, say you’ve got this bucket list or you have a vision board or whatever, and then you come back to it in the future. And you look back and you’re like, wow, I did that. I did that thing that I thought was impossible. It’s a huge confidence builder. It really is. It doesn’t matter how big or small. You’re like, oh, I don’t know if this is attainable, but I’m gonna put it on there. And then you look back on it a year or two later, like, what I did that? I can’t believe I did that!

Jen: So, Kim, what about you?

Taking The pressure Off the “How” and Focusing on Fun

Kim: I like the idea of doing a vision board or a bucket list.

I’ve done vision boards before, but now I’m thinking in my head right now that I could just do it strictly for travel wishes or strictly for some of those other personal growth type things. So that’s something I hadn’t actually thought of before.

But I don’t write down a bucket list. I don’t have a list, an actual list, but I think we literally started a bucket list right after Mark died because one of his bucket list items was to go to Alaska, and he never made it to Alaska. So, after he died, kids and I went to Alaska, and we took his ashes with us. We spread his ashes in, like, five different places, but we took some to Alaska. I wasn’t even sure what that was going to look like. I couldn’t book this trip to Alaska myself, so we ended up going with a tour group. We went with Backroads which was phenomenal, by the way. I just wanted somebody to plan everything for me, and they did, which was an awesome trip.

But I told the boys, let’s take the ashes. I don’t know where we’re gonna put them. I’m not exactly sure where we’re stopping on all these steps on our group tour. And I just said, “I think we’ll know it when we see it. We will know that it’s the place.” So that’s kind of how we went into it. We’re just gonna take dad’s ashes and decide what to do with him when we get there.

We were doing a hike to a lake called Ptarmigan Lake, and it is gorgeous. Everything in Alaska is gorgeous, by the way, but it was like, not a very long hike. It was three miles up to this body of water. But as soon as we got up past the brush and the trees and everything, we just kind of all looked at each other like, this is the place. This is where the ashes have to go. So, we put some ashes in the lake and people didn’t know what we were doing. We kind of had to, like, go off in a little alcove somewhere because I don’t know what the rules are. We didn’t tell anybody what we were doing. We just went off put his ashes in the lake. It was a very memorable moment for us. Right? Like, this was something your dad couldn’t see. We’re here now standing on this beautiful lake, and we’re gonna put some of his ashes here.

We had a phenomenal trip. Everything was amazing. I’m so glad we went. I’m glad that I had somebody else plan the trip for me because if I tried to do that myself, it would have never worked the way it did with this group. But next year, next summer, I’m taking the kids back to Alaska because that will be the 10-year anniversary of Mark’s death. So, I’m already planning to go Ptarmigan Lake. We’re going to kind of recreate some of our steps. That’s another bucket list idea for me because I just want to revisit what we did before.

I took a picture of Ptarmigan Lake when I was there. When I got home, I had that picture turned into a watercolor painting. And so, I have that framed picture now, too. I had it in my office for a long time. Now it’s in a different room, but when I look at that, I just think about Mark and that Alaska trip. So that was pretty amazing.

And I loved Backroads so much that we ended up doing a Yellowstone trip with them two years after that. You know, I highly recommend group tours if that’s your thing. These are small. There’s, like, six families. It wasn’t like riding buses and taking hundreds of people on a tour group. It was more intimate and very well planned. I absolutely loved it.

But, anyway, when I think about what some of my bucket list trips are now, travel would be my bucket list. I like all the personal growth stuff, but if I’m really talking about things that excite me and light me up, it’s going places. So, Fiji’s definitely on my list. And I always say to my husband now, “we’re going to Fiji.”  But we have a dog so we kind of have to plan for the dog. I don’t know that we can do Fiji in the next couple of years. But she’s a little bit on the older side. Maybe when she’s gone, we could do Fiji and take some time to go do whatever we want to do. But right now, my travel is a little bit limited.

Jen: I can puppy sit.

Kim: Yeah! Come on up. That’s the only thing when you have pets is you have to think about the pets before you go on the trip. I do envy the people that don’t have that holding them back, which we do, but that’s okay because we love her.

I’ve been to Europe before. After I graduated from college, I lived in London for six months on a work visa, and I backpacked through Europe by myself for five weeks after getting done with the work visa. So, I’ve been all through Europe, but I want to go back as an adult, a mature adult who’s not sleeping in hostels, and in train stations and eating bread and water for sustenance every day. I have a lot of places I want to go back to see from a different perspective. I feel very fortunate that I’ve been able to travel a lot in my life. I’ve seen a lot of things and been to a lot of places, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to go back and revisit them at a different time in my life and at a different stage of my life. So there are lots of things I want to do that are travel related.

I think about doing trips with our widow friends, our members.

Melissa: I know. One just came to mind for me.

Kim: Well, I’m thinking about it all the time, even the tours that we talk about, too. At some point, that’ll be on our agenda of things to do because there are a lot of options for widows to travel solo. I know that’s a big fear. I get that. That’s a big fear. But there are so many organizations and so many travel companies that cater to solo travelers and/or widows that the fear of that is really nonissue. I mean, you can still go.

There are plenty of ways to travel on your own, even Backroads that I was talking about. They have trips for couples and solos. Even though a couple might be on your trip, there could be some solo travelers on your trip too. So, I think about that. I’m like, you know what? Maybe if Tom stays home with the dog, then I’m gonna go on a solo trip somewhere and do something else. He’s not as much of a traveler as me. He likes to do things like that, but I’m way more adventurous. I would go way more places. I mean, I want to see Iceland too, Melissa.

Melissa: Let’s go to Iceland together and sit in the sit in the thermal waters.

Kim: Let’s do it.

Melissa: Let’s see the Aurora Borealis. 

Kim: I definitely want to do that. There are a lot of ways to talk yourself out of things. I talk myself out of things all the time, but, you know, to your point, Jen, just go do the thing. This is what I have to kind of remind myself of right now. I’m an empty nester. My kids are adults. They’ve moved out. I have the time. I can do it, so I need to do it. Now I’ve talked myself out of things because I have to do this, or I have to do that and something’s coming up and this is coming up and that’s coming up. I need to stop doing that. I’m making it a very concerted effort for myself right now to start doing what I want to do, even if that means taking separate trips sometimes from your husband. That’s okay. You know? We can do that. We can take trips with our widow friends. We can take trips with our girlfriends. We can take trips alone.

Like I said, I’ve traveled by myself enough times that I’m not concerned about going somewhere alone. Not everybody wants to do the things that you want to do. You can’t always find someone to go with you to some of the places you want to go. Either go by yourself or hook up with a travel group.

Now the tap-dancing thing, Melissa, I’m gonna tell you that’s very intriguing to me. And it’s funny because, Tom is part of a networking group, and one lady in his networking group owns a dance studio here in town, and she teaches tap. So, I think this is the universe speaking to me now.

Melissa: It’s fun.

Kim: Now I know someone who owns a dance studio that teaches tap. That might be something I explore. I’m so intrigued.

Melissa: Super fun. It’s the best way that I know to keep yourself present because you can’t be thinking about what happened last Tuesday or what you’re gonna eat for dinner tonight. You have to pay attention because you want to still be upright and not fall on your butt. It’s super fun, and it’s happy. I mean, it is a joyful exercise. It really is.

Kim: Part of these things gets your cognitive functioning firing too. I think sometimes when we become too stagnant or too afraid of a lot of things, we just we’re not using our brains to our fullest capacity. So, stuff like that, you’re using your brain. You’re planning a trip; you’re using your brain.

You’re creating those new neural pathways and just making a new experience for yourself. It’s all super fun. But embracing the fear of the unknown, that’s kind of big. It’s not easy to do. Doable, but not easy. We’re all afraid. So anybody out there that’s listening and thinks they’re afraid, you’re not the only one. We’re all afraid of trying these new things and doing these new things. But sometimes that fear of before the event happens is way worse than what happens after you take that step. I think embracing the fear of the unknown is a big deal because you step out of your comfort zone. That’s where you grow, right? You don’t grow inside your comfort zone. So, if you want any kind of personal growth at all, when you’re afraid, step out anyway. You have to do the thing that seems almost impossible to do, but certainly isn’t.

Melissa: Absolutely. We’ve talked about a group trip or, you know, we’ve done a retreat before, but before the pandemic, I was seriously planning a trip with a widowed friend of mine and another gal to do the Camino de Santiago.

Kim: Oh yes, we have to do that.

Melissa: We were going to take Portugal route. There are multiple routes you can do. And we were looking into a supportive trip just for women. Because it’s like, I don’t know. I’ve never been to Portugal. I don’t know what this looks like. What kind of backpack do I need? All the things. So we were looking into doing something like that and just what a powerful hike and walk that would be.

Kim: I want to do that so bad. That has to be on our collective widow squad bucket list, because that would be amazing.

Melissa: That would be pretty powerful. Yeah.

Jen: Let’s get it on the calendar, ladies.

Kim: Yeah. Let’s get it on the calendar.

Melissa: Put it on the calendar and work backwards. That’s what we’re gonna do.

Kim: We’re gonna figure it out. We always figure it out.

Melissa: We do. We always do.

Kim: That’s the key. Mixing the personal adventures with other opportunities. You’ve got adventure. You’ve got hobbies. You’ve got dancing. You’ve got travel. You’ve got volunteering. That could be on your bucket list. I am going to at some point when my schedule slows down, I don’t know when that’ll be, but I’m gonna do Meals on Wheels. That’s what I want to do. One of my bucket list items is volunteering for Meals on Wheels. My grandma used to do it when I was little, and she would take me to all her stops. There was a woman that she would deliver meals to who would make us zucchini bread and banana bread.

We have to help our elderly. So, I keep thinking I’m going to do Meals on Wheels at some point. I hope that things slow down some time when I could do some Meals on Wheels.

Melissa: We make our own schedules.

Kim: So, your bucket list isn’t just about checking off items or ticking the box. It’s about evolving as a person, right? We’re all trying to be better versions of ourselves, and sometimes we can have fun doing that by traveling or learning new hobby or volunteering and helping other people.

Wrap Up

Kim: I think this has been a really good topic, and I hope it gives other people some ideas about things that they can do because, like I said, we sometimes talk ourselves out of doing things before we talk ourselves into it. We don’t need permission from anybody to do any of these things. We get to go do them.

I think that’s a wrap for today.

We hope our stories inspire you to explore your own dreams, no matter how big or small. Remember, every tick on that bucket list is not just an experience. It’s a testament to your resilience and strength as you march forward on your widowhood path.

So, start dreaming and start living. And, hey, if you found today’s episode enlightening, please share it. Let’s grow this beautiful widowhood community together.

Until next time, take care.